Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Thursday, December 18, 2008

Better Know a Bowl: The Independence Bowl

When: December, 28th, 8 PM
Where: Shreveport, LA; ESPN
The Northern Illinois Huskies (6-6) vs. the Louisiana Tech Bulldogs (7-5)

Really, who doesn't want to watch a classic MAC/WAC match-up? Oh, everybody? Well, it's the only bowl game on the 28th, folks, so love it or leave it.

Louisiana Tech's playing a scant 67 miles from home, so a pretty substantial part of the crowd will be Bulldogs supporters. Of course, that crowd's likely to be about 8,500 people, but still.

Better Know a Bowl: The Emerald Bowl

When: December, 27th, 8 PM
Where: San Francisco, CA; ESPN
The Miami Hurricanes (7-5) vs. the Cal Golden Bears (8-4)

Miami's trying to get back to the powerhouse program they were, and Cal fields a pretty exciting young runner, sophomore Jahvid Best, but face it, the game's best draw are those bizarre Emerald Nuts commercials.

ThursDay in Football

Hey, FCS, you're about to get a new member. The University of Texas at San Antonio got permission to start themselves a football program. With the unanimously board-approved $84 million athletic complex expansion and a planned $100 million fundraising campaign (they're going to have to move a lot of tacky shit to hit that goal), the Roadrunners may be suiting up as early as the 2011 season. You know, even though it's damn near 2009, 2011 still sounds like some kinda ultra-future date.

Florida quarterback Tim Tebow is checking on his draft status. I can say right now that as a quarterback he's mid-round at best. As an all around good guy, well, that young man's a lottery pick!

Paul Johnson's success in his first year at Georgia Tech (9-3) got the head coach a little more coin. So let that be a lesson to you. When the experts say that spread formation and passing attacks are the future of college football, you can say: "You're all wet! The triple options just Jake! Why lookit all that heavy sugar, Cool Paul Johnson pocketed!"

A four touchdown performance got Tarvaris Jackson the start for this week's game against Atlanta. Really it's not that surprising because: 1. Jackson did throw four touchdowns in a win last week; 2. the other option's still Gus Frerotte; and 3. Brad "Major Dad" Childress has a huuuuuge crush on Tarvaris Jackson.

Jaguars offensive lineman Richard Collier, paralyzed in a shooting earlier this fall, will be recognized before tonight's game against the Colts.

The Packers have put safety Atari Bigby on the IR, shutting him down for the remainder of the season. Shutting down the Atari.... What is this? 1983? Zing-dingery-DOOOOO!

No joke, Rochester loves San Antonio.

Dirty Vegas

So here unlike what my weaselly counterpart, Buddy Randolph, said, I will be doing a post on this weekends games. So suck on it, ya Ray Rhodes-killing mother fucker! Let's get it right, get it tight.

GAME 1: Houston (-7) at Oakland
Yet another time when gambling has made an unwatchable game a bit more...NO!...I cannot lie. Don't watch this game. Just watch the ticker and pretend like you watched it. It'll give you more time to do thing on Sunday. Mow the lawn. Read from the bible. Give the wife a little pickle tickle. Both these teams are tough to go with versus the spread. Houston is (6-7-1) and Oakland is (5-9). Also, it is Week 16 and these two team have nothing to play for. Houston is a slight favorite versus team outside of there division and have been busting heads as of recent. TAKE HOUSTON.

GAME 2: Kansas City (+4) at Miami
Kansas City's offense has been playing well as of late. Miami is in the hunt for a piece of that hot hot AFC East tail. This means absolutely nothing to the true gambler. This is a cold weather team playing in Miami in December. They are going to be loose and Tyler Thigpen (Is he the only white Thigpen in the country?) is playing coo-coo bananas. Also, Kansas City is (8-6) versus the spread. TAKE KANSAS CITY.

GAME 3: Cincinnati at Cleveland (32)
Really? 32 points? Is this a Pop Warner game? Will Brady Quinn's mom be bringing Capri-suns and raisin roundies for after the game? This is absurd! Does the 'Nati suck? YES! But this are two of the worst defenses in the league. Me no get this one, Ugg. I wish Buddy Randolph was here with a tele-strator to draw his little lock next to this one. This is my shoe in of the week. TAKE THE OVER.

Now you might be asking, "Hey Rochester! How much money are you gonna put on these games?"

My answer: "Don't talk to me and no eye contact!"

Action Football! Episode 16

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Better Know a Bowl: The Champs Sports Bowl

When: December, 27th, 4:30 PM
Where: Orlando, FL; ESPN
The Wisconsin Badgers (7-5) vs. the Florida State Seminoles (8-4)

A win against Florida State may be the only thing keeping Wisconsin from being the hands-down most disappointing football team in the nation in 2008. Florida State, on the other hand seems to have finished about where everybody expected them to. While the media will be giving a lot of time to Wisconsin running back P.J. Hill (who recorded his third consecutive 1,000 yard season) and Florida State safety Myron Rolle (who became a Rhodes Scholar and aspires to go to medical school) the real stories are going to be if and how Wisconsin gets redshirt freshman runner John Clay involved in the game and whether or not Florida State quarterback Christian Ponder can get in a rhythm against Wisconsin's woeful pass defense.

Florida State's defense will likely be the fastest and most physical Wisconsin's had to face this year, and given the Badgers inability to get a passing game together, their only hope will to get Clay going. Clay may not be as big as Hill, but he's as physical and has a second gear that Hill lacks. On the other side of the ball, teams have been able to move the ball through the air at will against Wisconsin this year, and if Ponder plays like the team MVP he was voted as at a team awards banquet, it could be a long day for Wisconsin and another win for Bobby Bowden.

(You know a match up is less than stellar when almost all CBS Sportsline can come up with as a reason to watch is: "Don't forget, the game is also two days after Christmas when there are not a lot of sports events on TV." Yikes.)

WednesDay in Football

Penn State coach Joe Paterno was given a three year contract extension. The only way this makes sense is if the NCAA operates something like the plot of Dead Man on Campus, but instead of getting straight As if you roommate dies, a football team gets an automatic BCS bid if their coach croaks on the sidelines.

In an interview, Florida coach Urban Meyer said that coaching at Notre Dame is his "dream job." First, wasn't a similar statement exactly what got Jim Mora, Jr. fired from the Atlanta Falcons? I wonder how Gators fans are responding. Second, how many Notre Dame boosters got on conference calls with their accountants to figure out the exact moment in the next few seasons that they could afford to buy out both Charlie Weis and Urban Meyer?

Illinois linebacker Martez Wilson is out of the hospital after being treated for stab wounds incurred while helping a friend in a bar fight. No word on why a 19 year old was in a bar in the first place. Mercy me, kids these days!

The Pro Bowl rosters were announced, and while the Mannings have become the first quarterback brothers to be voted to the same Pro Bowl and Brett Favre is making his 10th appearance, no story is better than the fact that Mario Williams is making his first appearance. People loved taking the piss out of Williams because he wasn't Vince Young or Reggie Bush (which is good for him since the former is a depressed dummy and the latter, well, check the next link). So good for you, Mario. You know, the best way to celebrate is to take a leisurely 140 mile per hour drive in your Lamborghini.

Speaking of Reggie Bush, the NFL's next big thing, is going to miss the Saints final two games with a knee injury. Well, at least he's got that one broad that everybody saw get piped by Brandy's little brother to keep him company.

Indianapolis Colts receiver Marvin Harrison had an MRI for a hamstring issue and is questionable for this week's game. It might be a tough pill to swallow, but Marvin's career is dee-you-en done. Thanks for the memories and awesome mustache.

An Episode 16 Teaser and a Concise Analysis of the Pittsburgh Steelers

To the former: the weather forecasts for the Patriots/Cardinals game in Foxboro and the Giants/Panthers game in New York are a high in the upper 20s and possible snow showers and high in the low 30s and a wintry mix respectively. Regardless of what Rochester says in his (don't hold your breath) upcoming gambling post, I stand by my podcast picks.

To the latter: Anyone that's listened to our podcasts knows that Rochester and I are sick of the Steelers; I get the sense that Rochester's opinion has been shaped by their extreme over-exposure in our television market, while I just hate the Steelers. Period. Anyway, Captain Caveman at Kissing Suzy Kolber posted this beautiful analysis of the Pittsburgh Steelers and Steelers fans. Actually "beautiful" sort of sells it short. What's the best way to put that "kissing your finger tips" gesture into an adjective?

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Better Know a Bowl: The Meineke Car Care Bowl

When: December, 27th, 1 PM
Where: Charlotte, NC; ESPN
The West Virginia Mountaineers (8-4) vs. the North Carolina Tarheels (8-4)

This is going to be a big one for both Bill Stewart and Butch Davis; Stewart needs to show that taking the "interim" from in front of "head coach" wasn't a mistake and Davis would like further evidence that North Carolina's on the way up. Neither team's elite, but they aren's shlubs, either.

Noel Devine and Pat White make for a helluva(n) exciting backfield, and North Carolina receiver Hakeem Nicks became the school's first 1,000-yard receiver. The main question is who Butch Davis is going to start at quarterback. Of course, for all I know that question's been answered, but my motto is: Research can suck it.

TuesDay in Football

Welp, Oklahoma running back DeMarco Murray is out of the National Championship game against Florida. He hurt his hamstring returning a kick off against Missouri in the Big 12 Championship game and is having surgery to fix it. You know what the decision to play Murray on special teams gets coach Bob Stoops? A sarcastic slow clap.

Crafty Georgia Tech coach Paul Johnson is adding a few wrinkles to the Yellow Jackets offense before the Chik-fil-A Bowl agains LSU. Since Johnson runs a triple option, I'm guessing those tweaks are going to include stuff like doing the Lindy Hop.

The AP All-America Team was announced. And...yeah. That's it, I guess.

After catching 11 passes this season, Jacksonville Jaguars widereceiver Jerry Porter is going to spend the rest of the season on the IR. Bear in mind, before the season, he signed a six year $30 million dollar contract with $10 million guaranteed. Geez, the only other job in America that lucrative is governor of Illionois. HEY-OOOOH!

Apparently the Eagles beat the Browns 30-10 on Monday Night Football last night. The real story is that the Browns (with five primetime games this year) have proven that speculative scheduling is a dangerous game.

LOLZorn has said that he feels "like the worst coach in America." Surely I can't be the only person imagining Zorn shuffling around the Redskins offices with his chin in his chest while the Peanuts music plays like George Michael in that one episode of Arrested Development, right?

"One down...ten to go...."

Monday, December 15, 2008

Better Know a Bowl: The Motor City Bowl

When: December, 26th, 7:30 PM
Where: Detroit, MI; ESPN
The Florida Atlantic Owls (6-6) vs. the Central Michigan Chippewas (8-4)

There's never been a better time in our nation's industrialized history to draw attention to the automotive industry. (Oddly, in addition to Ford and GM, this bowl's brought to us by...Union Carpenters and Millwrights? Apparently, Chrysler decided not to be a part of this turd.)

Both teams feature pretty dynamic offenses and pretty poor defenses, so that'll make for a pretty fun game to watch. The best reason to watch, though, is FAU head coach Howard Schnellenberger. Dapper as a motherfucker, that guy.

Better Know a Bowl: The Sheraton Hawaii Bowl

When: December, 24th, 8 PM
Where: Honolulu, HI; ESPN
The Hawaii Rainbow Warriors (7-6) vs. the Notre Dame Fighting Irish (6-6)

Please oh please oh please oh please let Notre Dame lose again! That's all I want for Christmas. (Well, and a Playstation 3.)

Honestly, I know shit-all about Hawaii this year. After Colt Brennan took his "totally not a system quarterback" game to the NFL and June Jones bounced for the mainland, nobody's paid a bit of attention to them. Unfortunately, by all accounts, Notre Dame's recruiting classes under Charlie Weis have been good, and this game might be the one that shows the tides are turning in South Bend. A win against Hawaii is by no means a significant one, but one they could use as a positive heading into the spring all the same.

MonDay in Football

Auburn shocked the world and hired Iowa State's Gene Chizik as their new head coach. More importantly, though, Auburn legend Charles Barkley thinks the hire is some bullshit. There isn't going to be a coach in the country under a finer microscope than Chizik. At least he's a proven winner. Oh, wait, what's that? His record at Iowa State is 5-19 in two years? Yikes.

Oklahoma quarterback Sam Bradford won the Heisman. Now, with the last two winners facing off in the National Championship, that mainstream sports media cream dream just got creamier and dreamier.

The rumor is reality: Monte Kiffin accepted a position as defensive coordinator on his son's staff at the University of Tennessee. It seems weird that Kiffin the elder would take what is, by all accounts, a demotion, and will be interesting to see if Lane is going to have the testicular fortitude to yell at his old man on the sidelines. And so help me Christ, if we get one hit from a Google search of "on his son's staff" that IP address is going straight to Chris Hansen.

Giving an advance look at how they're likely to fare in the playoffs, the Arizona Cardinals allowed Tarvaris Jackson to throw four touchdowns against them in a 35-14 loss. At home. Tarvaris Jackson. Four touchdown passes.

The Giants looked pretty inept in a loss to the Cowboys, costing us the opportunity to see a Cowboys sideline meltdown. It's easy to say that the drama was manufactured by Ed Werder after a win, but you know, I just don't have it in me to give Terrell Owens the benefit of the doubt.

Dick Jauron is confident he'll be back as head coach of the Buffalo Bills next season. I mean, where else are they going to find a coach to get a team to play hot at the start of the season and then fade big time midway through the season?

If you were to use Photoshop to make a Zombie Dick Jauron, well, half your work would be done by just opening the image.

Math says: Steelers/Giants Super Bowl

But a Panthers/Titans Super Bowl isn't out of the question either.

Advanced NFL Stats

Friday, December 12, 2008

Better Know a Bowl: The San Diego Credit Union Poinsettia Bowl

When: December, 23rd, 8 PM
Where: San Diego, CA; ESPN
The Boise State Broncos (12-0) vs. the Texas Christian Horned Frons (10-2)

Perhaps no team got screwed harder this bowl season than Boise State. Won your division? Went undefeated? Too fucking bad, you're playing on December 23rd. Of course, there are worse fates than playing in San Diego; they could have been stuck playing on their creepy blue turf in the Humanitarian Bowl. There's actually a more subtle way they got screwed though: pulling a quality opponent like TCU. Had they gotten somebody like Florida Atlantic, they could have put a world class beatdown on them and made the BCS rules look even more foolish. Instead, we get to watch what should be a pretty good game, but the BCS brass gets to say, "See, the system breeds competitive games!"

Each team has a runner to watch: Boise State's Ian Johnson probably won't propose to a cheerleader after a touchdown again (but the commentators are likely to mention the fact that the man knits); TCU's Joseph Turner is a 6-1, 226 pound bruiser that leads the team with 10 rushing touchdowns.

And really, what the hell else are you going to be doing on December 23rd?

FriDay in Football

In coaching news, as Rochester previously covered, Syracuse hired New Orleans Saints offensive coordinator Doug Marrone to be their new head coach. Really, Rochester's said it all already. So...

In other coaching news, Texas defensive coordinator Will Muschamp has gone out of his way to say he's not taking the Auburn job. Texas coach Mack Brown said in an interview that Muschamp told him he wasn't going to take the job and that he'd be back as the Texas defensive coordinator. Which means Muschamp will accept the Auburn job the day after the Fiesta Bowl.

And in other other coaching news, Army fired (discharged?) head coach Stan Brock. Perhaps Army will consider a black head coach. Seriously. Athletic fields and the armed services are the most integrated facets of American life.

A knee injury is going to keep Brandon Jacobs sidelined for the Giants/Cowboys game. Really, this is okay for two reasons: one, the Giants seem pretty set for runningbacks, and two, the Cowboys damn-well may dysfunction themselves out of the game anyway. Speaking of which...

After implying that Tony Romo was being too chummy with tight end Jason Witten, Terrell Owens is now saying that he's not actually jealous of Witten (even though Owens has been the target of more total and catchable passes than Witten...). Honestly, if Owens was with any other team - except maybe the Steelers - I'd be sick of this story and kinda feel bad for his teammates. But since it's the Cowboys, I'm hoping for a fistfight on the sidelines in the waning moments of a 42-point blowout.

And finally, since it's the result of an actual football game with actual playoff implecations, the Bears beat the Saints 27-24 in overtime in Chicago. Even though I've got the NFL Network, I didn't watch much of the game. The Bears seemed to be in total control (up 21-7 when I turned away) so it must have been a pretty monumental flop for them to have to tie the game at the end of regulation to send it to overtime in the first place. You know, it's actually too bad that some NFC North team actually has to go to the playoffs just to get beat in the first round.

Tony Romo just gave Jason Witten the last jelly doughnut, too.

Syracuse? FAIL!

If you listen to the past couple of podcasts, and I know you did, then you'll know my feeling on the lack of African-American (aka black) coaches on in NCAA FBS football. It is pathetic. Now I am as liberal as the next man, if that man happens to be a redneck. But this stuff is really starting to try my patience. So I was shocked when the athletic officials at Syracuse University named Doug Marrone as there next head coach. I have no idea if they even look at any black candidates, but this is a bad hire. This will not end well for the Orange. Why do I hate this hire so much?

One, he is an alumni hire. As with UNC and NC State have shown me on an all to personal level. alumni don't always make for such spectacular hires. Heck, look at Phil Fulmer. Speaking of alumni, does Jim Brown have nothing to say about this?

Two, his resume is not all that amazing. He is the current offensive coordinator for the New Orleans Saints and has been since 2006. Ya know, the one team that isn't going to the playoff out of the NFC South. Yes, their offensive stats are gaudy, but this is with the influx of Drew Brees, his mole, and Reggie Bush. AND HOW DOES MARRONE USE REGGIE BUSH? Punt returner and slot receiver. Genius! The only bright spot was when he was offensive line coach for the New York Jets. However, I don't think that Syracuse can has a Curtis Martin on their roster for next year. I know that Curtis Martin has used up all his eligibly.

Another thing that drives me nuts is that half of all sport media talking heads went to Syracuse (the other half went to Northwestern) are so enamoured with this dude. SHUT UP, TIRICO! We do a lot of prognosticating and estimating at Action Football! So here is mine for next season for Syracuse. With game against 3 upstart Big Ten opponents (one being Penn State in State College) and 4 toughies in conference, you are looking at 5-7. That is a one game improvement. That is well worth the egg on their face.

A Year of Excellence in Commentating

Awful Announcing has posted their 2008 Pam Ward Chronicles Award Show.

Definitely worth a read.

Thursday, December 11, 2008

Better Know a Bowl: The R+L Carriers New Orleans Bowl

When: December, 21st, 8 PM
Where: New Orleans, LA.; ESPN
The Southern Miss Golden Eagles (6-6) vs. the Troy Trojans (8-4)

Southern Miss quarterback Austin Davis's 21 touchdowns broke Brett Favre's record (15) for touchdown passes by a freshman. No word on whether Davis will also attempt to break Favre's record of "inches of intestines removed after a car accident."

Troy fields two linebackers whose combined statistics are pretty impressive (217 tackles, 13.5 for loss, and four sacks). More impressive, though, is that their names are Boris Lee and Bear Woods. "Boris and Bear" sounds like a Ukranian cartoon from the late '50s.

Better Know a Bowl: The EagleBank Bowl

When: December, 20th, 11 AM
Where: Washington D.C.; ESPN
The Wake Forest Demon Deacons (7-5) vs. the Navy Midshipmen (8-4)

Forget what I said about the New Mexico Bowl being the first bowl game of the season. This one's even earlier!

It doesn't happen often, but this game's a rematch of a regular season bout that saw Navy best the Deacs 24-17. So what these teams may lack in sexiness, they make up for in familiarity. Players to watch are Anquan Boldin's kid brother, D.J., who led Wake Forest and the ACC with 77 receptions, and Navy quarterback Kaipo-Noa Kaheaku-Enhada, mostly because he's got a name that announcers love to pronounce so they can pat themselves on the back for doing their job semi-satisfactorily.

ThursDay in Football

Coming as the least surprising story of the year, Tim Tebow, Sam Bradford, and Colt McCoy were named as Heisman finalists. They should have thrown this guy in the mix just to shake it up a little.

Before the season started, West Virginia quarterback Pat White probably hoped he'd be in the news for some sort of BCS bowl game related story. Not being the first player to commit to January's Senior Bowl. But, I guess any publicity is good publicity, and if you're being talked about on this blog, well, you've already won.

Penn State back-up quarterback Pat Devlin has had it in State College and is transferring...somewhere. Since he's from Pennsylvania and Penn State didn't work out, maybe Pitt? Everybody get down with the mustache. Wait, that didn't come out right.

A thumb injury is going to keep Jaguars running back Fred Taylor out of the remainder of the season, which begs the question: Fred Taylor is still playing professional football?

Kellen Winslow has made official his desire to stay with the Browns. Which is pretty much the exact opposite of every indication he's made all year long.

Jerry Jones is backpedaling all over the statements he made previously, questioning Marion Barber's toughness. I'd say Jones was eating crow, but, I don't know, he seems more likely to eat some sort of possum stew.

Try a little Jones family burgoo. The secret ingredient is armadillo.

Red LeVert!

Unlike my counterpart, I was on the ball for most of our most recent podcast (FYI: Tampa Bay is AT Atlanta and Warrick Dunn is really excited to go to CokeWorld). And even still, unlike my counterpart who is killing people who are not dead, Sean LeVert is dead. I can't imagine why. He was a gigantic chocolate ball of perfect health, who just happened to sweat ranch dressing and his s-curl was actually gravy. When will you finally have your fill, God?

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Podcast Supplement


Action Football! Episode 15

Marvel at Buddy's handle on BCS National Championship history. Not only does he forget that LSU won last year, but he can't even figure out how long it's been since the Texas-USC game (one that he actually references)! What a retard.

Better Know a Bowl: Pioneer Las Vegas Bowl

When: December, 20th, 8 PM
Where: Las Vegas, NV; ESPN
The BYU Cougars (10-2) vs. the Arizona Wildcats (7-5)

Man oh man oh man, much like Fresno State, BYU's gone from being a hyped BCS buster to playing in a December 20th Disappointment Bowl. Unlike Fresno State, BYU seemed like a more legitimate threat and held onto their aspirations much later in the season. So while BYU should be able to dismantle Arizona, Arizona's going to be pumped way up since it's their first bowl in a decade, and BYU may be saddled with a bit of let-down that this is where (and who) they're playing; this might turn out to be a closer game than it seems.

Plus, since it's still before Christmas, don't overlook the preoccupation of gift buying on the BYU players and coaches. It's not easy shopping for, like, a half dozen sister-wife moms and forty siblings.

Better Know a Bowl: magicJack St. Petersburg Bowl

When: December, 20th, 4:30 PM
Where: St. Petersburg, FL; ESPN2
The Memphis Tigers (6-6) vs. the South Florida Bulls (7-5)

This game doesn't even have the distinction of being the first bowl game of the season. Instead, you get a game brought to you buy, apparently, some doo-hickey you can stick in your wall and plug your phone into and, I don't know, pay less for phone calls or something. (I assumed it was an amazing new way to masturbate. Boy was I wrong.) The game features Memphis, who nobody paid attention to and who did shit-all against anybody worth a damn, and South Florida, who were hot there for a minute but then fell faster than the gas prices rose (bear in mind I'm looking at the time between August and October...).

Still, if you're planning to watch the game - and you really should, because before you know it it's going to be the middle of February and you'll be faced with the grim realization that meaningful football's six and a half months away, and you don't want to regret, then, not watching it when you had the chance - well, Memphis and South Florida both run spread, wide open offenses, so on paper at least, there should be a lot of scoring.

WednesDay in Football

Forget male pattern baldness, if I lose my hair, it'll be because I've torn it all out after reading stories about Congressmen that have so little to do they can consider introducing legislation to force the NCAA to institute a playoff system. Representative Joe Barton of Texas, you are a dipshit.

Supposedly Florida offensive coordinator Dan Mullen will be Sly Croom's successor at Mississippi State. The likelihood he has more success there than Croom. Yeah, not so good.

Unlike Texas' Colt McCoy, who claims he's returning for his senior season, Oklahoma's Sam Bradford is apparently going to investigate his draft prospects before making his decision. Only a redshirt sophomore, I'd expect Bradford to return unless he can pull the two-fer, winning the Heisman and National Championship this year. But, hey, what do I know?

It's that time of year when all the convoluted, cockamamie playoff scenarios start to crop up. For instance, did you know that the Carolina Panthers can clinch a playoff spot with a win and a Dallas loss or tie, or a win or tie and an Atlanta loss or tie, or a tie and a Dallas loss and Philadelphia loss or tie or an Atlanta loss and Dallas loss and Washington loss or tie, or an Atlanta loss and Dallas loss and Chicago loss or tie, or an Atlanta loss and Philadelphia loss and Washington loss or tie and a Chicago loss or tie? Me neither.

After some very public grousing by Redskins running back Clinton Portis, coach Jim Zorn has decided to have a sit down to sort out the situation. I'm just hoping that, wherever they meet, both parties check behind the old-timey toilet flushing pulldown box in case one of them had a gun stashed there before the meeting.

BREAKING NEWS: Saints quaterback Drew Brees and Bears quarterback Kyle Orton went to the same college! And they're playing against each other this week!

Okay, Mr. Playoffs, tell me how you want to do this. Four team playoff? Well, what about USC? Utah? How about eight teams? Well, Boise State's undefeated, so if they're in, who's out? And you in the background.... What's up, baby?

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Better Know a Bowl: The New Mexico Bowl

When: December, 20th, 2:30 PM
Where: Uh, New Mexico? Albuquerque, to be exact. And also ESPN.
The Colorado State Rams (6-6) vs. the Fresno State Bulldogs (7-5)

This game's got the distinction of being the first bowl game of the season! Which basically means it sucks big time. Strange to think that a few months ago, Fresno State was being talked about as a potential BCS buster. Whoops.

Look, I tried to come up with a compelling reason to watch this game, but all I could come up with is that there's no other football on. Really, if you're getting lathered up for a game pitting the fifth place team in the Mountain West and the fifth place team in the Mountain West, you might be wise to reexamine your interests. But if you still want something more tangible, how about this: Colorado's angling for their first winning season since 2003 and each team fields a young, impact linebacker: Mychal Sisson (redshirt freshman, Colorado State) and Ben Jacobs (sophomore, Fresno State). Wow, sign me up!

TuesDay in Football

Washington unveiled their new coach, USC offensive coordinator Steve Sarkisian. Apparently, there were "Sark! Sark!" chants which is stupid. If ever a guy had a name asking for the nickname "Shark" it's this guy. That, or "Sarkisian Blinds" but it's counterintuitive to have a nickname longer than an actual name, I guess.

Brandon Davis, a UCF freshman football player, became dehydrated and collapsed during a weight training session this week. He's still in the hospital and the school's launching an investigation. There's shit-all funny about this story. Fingers crossed, wood knocked, and a bunch of other superstitious good luck stuff that he's okay.

Phil Fulmer accepted an administrative position at Tennessee. There are going to be a lot of words written about his commitment to and love for the University of Tennessee. Fuck that noise, Fulmer's a punk-ass chump. He served as head coach to that team for sixteen and a half years (forget his time as a player and assistant coach) and compiled a 152-52 record including division and conference titles and a National Championship and was, essentially, forced out by greedy fans. He should've taken another SEC job and stuck it to the Vols every chance he got.

Appeal denied, Jacksonville Jaguars receiver Matt Jones is going to have to serve a three game suspension for the League's substance abuse policy. For those with coke addled brains, Jones was picked up in Fayettville, Arkansas for possession of cocaine in July. Who knew that a 6 foot 6 white guy cutting up blow with a credit card in a parked car might draw suspicion?

I posted a link to this SportingNews gossip page yesterday, too, and today it says that maybe Marty Schottenheimer might be interested in being the Browns' GM if Bill Cowher perhaps was their coach. I have no doubt Schottenheimer could assemble an amazing team to lose in the second round of the play-offs.

With Sunday's loss to Pittsburgh, the Dallas Cowboys' chances at a play-off appearance are growing bleaker. Granted, this is hardly a "Tuesday" development, but I'm mentioning it anyway, 'cause motherfuck the Cowboys.

It's a fact: Phil Fulmer should grow a mustache.

Monday, December 8, 2008

MonDay in Football

Well, technically it happened yesterday, but the bowl schedule's set and right up at the top is Florida/Oklahoma for all the marbles. Of course, you could also look at the rest of the bowl match-ups, but don't look too hard: the Action Football! Annual Bowl Preview Episode is but eight days away. Sure, three might be some other previews before then, but our motto is "Later but Comprehensiver!"

Speaking of bowls and whatnot, some Texas fans are no doubt salty that they didnt' get the chance to play for the National Championship, but all is well. Colt McCoy says he's comin' back for his senior season. Of course, at this point, that statement's not worth the paper it's printed on. Or, since print media's dead, I guess it's not worth the bandwidth required to read it. (Not really the same ring....)

After upsetting Ball State for the MAC Championship, Buffalo coach Turner Gill is a candidate for the open spot at Auburn. Gill seems like a good coach and a great human being, so bully for him.

From what little I saw of the early games yesterday, it seemed like the Lions had a shot at picking up their first win. But then, apparently, Daunte Culpepper got hurt and Drew Henson got sacked on the final play of a 20-16 loss. Today, Culpepper had an MRI on his shoulder and is doubtful for this weekend's game against Indianapolis. I'm going to throw caution to the karmic wind (with a game against Green Bay left) and say: 0-16! 0-16! 0-16! 0-16!

On a "Human sacrifice, dogs and cats living together... mass hysteria!" note, the Arizona Cardinals - with three games left in the season - have clinched their division (their first in 25 years) and will host a playoff game (for the first time in 66 years). Forget everything I've said about the Arizona Cardinals (which, if you conducta blog search will probably be nothing anyway), the Cardinals are the 2008 TEAM OF DESTINY!

Amongst other gossipy gossip in this sports gossip post, Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones has questioned the toughness of running back Marion Barber. Before you go making jokes about the fact that Barber's name is "Marion" I ask you to remember that John Wayne's real name is "Marion" and, as he famously said: "I'm not gonna cry about my Pa. I'm gonna build an airport. Put my name on it."

Behold the biggest mainstream sports media cream dream of our generation!

Friday, December 5, 2008

FriDay in Football

Graham Harrell says there's a "great chance" coach Mike Leach leaves Texas Tech. Leach took himself out of consideration for Washington, so the front-runner would be Auburn. I'm not sure how the Auburn faithful are going to take to a character like Leach....

Louisville must be worse than I imagined. They were completely dismantled by Rutgers (specifically quarterback Mike Teel who had a 447-yard, seven touchdown outing) 63-14. On second thought, apparently Rutgers finished 6-0 after a 1-5 start. Ah, fuck it, I don't pay attention to New Jersey for a reason.

James Sheep, Penn State fursuit enthusiast, will be suspended from the Rose Bowl after being pulled for a DUI. If we labeled our posts here at Action Football!, the tag would be something along the lines of "who gives a shit." Why did I write about it, you ask? DON'T ASK QUESTIONS!

Giants linebacker Antonio Pierce will meet with investigators concerning his part in the Plaxico Burress Shot Himself in the Thigh Variety Hour. Pierce claims he didn't know Burress was armed; presumably until Burress shot himself and then Pierce drove back to his home in New Jersey with the gun in the glove compartment of his whip....

Junior Seau's back with the New England Patriots. Every time Seau's name comes up, I'm reminded of what a dick move it was to "retire" from the woeful Miami Dolphins only to sign a contract with the Patriots, like, two days later. For shame, Junior Seau. For shame.

O.J. Simpson is going to the pokey for at least nine years (the earliest he'd be eligible for parole in his "up to 33 years" sentence). Well, I guess the Judiciary Branch's motto isn't "Fool me once, shame on you..." for nothing. That is the motto, right?

With a soundtrack!

Thursday, December 4, 2008

ThursDay in Football

Tommy Tuberville and his enormous ears are out at Auburn, that much doesn't come as a surprise. But apparently, his resignation shocked athletic director Jay Jacobs. Whaaaa? I figured there was a zero percent chance Tuberville wasn't pressured into a resignation. I guess it just goes to show that you shouldn't assume because it makes a dipshit out of...somebody. Or whatever.

Texas Tech coach Mike Leach and Fresno State coach Pat Hill (or, more importantly Pat Hill's mustache) removed themselves from consideration for the Washington job.

Speaking of Texas Tech, Red Raiders defensive back De'Shon Sanders was pinched by the DEA for cocaine possession with intent. Sanders is facing a minimum 10-year sentence if convicted. Or two and a half years for each tackle he recorded this season. Statistics!

Cowboys coach Wade Phillips decided to prepare for this weekend's big game against Pittsburgh by sending the team home. Welp, that's one way to do it....

The NFLPA filed a lawsuit hoping to block the suspensions of those water pillers. By which I mean the six players that took diuretics as opposed to "water pillars" which wouldn't make any sense.

Back spasms limited Marshawn Lynch's activity in Bills practice. Man, Rochester and I were really high on Buffalo at the beginning of the year, but this season's kinda gone in the shitter. Sorry, Bills.

Scared Straight!

The New York Football Giants in all their infinite wisdom have decided it might be best to suspend gun-toting moron, Plaxico Burress for the rest of the season. However, he might reinstate him if he finishes a program at a local prison aimed to get Plaxico back on the right path. Here is the transcript from SCARED STRAIGHT!:
Man, I ain't even need to be at this junk. All I did was bring a loaded gun into a night club, fire it into my leg, make up a faulty medical report, and then pay off a doctor. What the big dealy-o? DAMN!
What's the big deal? I tell you what the big deal is, maggot. You are in here now. You are in here with baby rapers and murderers and we don't give a fuck about you or your touchdowns. In here, a touchdown is something you gonna do when you turn sissy.
Plaxico: I ain't gonna turn sissy!
Adebisi: No, I gonna turn you sissy when you git in 'ere. I gonna use you whole bodee to make me feel bet-tah.
Plaxico: I ain't gonna wind up in here. I am a baller. My slick lawyers gonna get me off.
Adebisi: No, you gonna get me off when I git you in 'ere. Stand up and hold my pocket.
(Plaxico stands and grabs Adebisi's pocket)
Adebisi: You are mine now.
I want him. I'll give you a pack of smokes and a picture of Macaulay Culkin for him.
Adebisi: Make it one photo Macaulay Culkin and one of the sexy little thing from "The Sixth Sense".
Schillinger: Deal. Now hold on to my pocket, bitch.
(Plaxico now takes Schillinger's pocket)
Schillinger: Now you are mine. He just sold you to the Aryans. It is just that easy to sell sissies in here.
Plaxico: Damn! Now that shit is scary.
Hoyt: I don't like nothin' in the first place and I don't like you!
Plaxico: Wow, this shit is rough.
Get busy livin' or get busy dying.
Plaxico: What?
Red: I mean, I'll fuck your life up more than hammered shit! You'll be sucking my junk morning, noon, and night!
Plaxico: Oh right! Damn that seems pretty scary, too. Maybe I better turn my life around.
You know the man you truly are, Plaxico! This heart is where you truly live! This heart! Here! This flesh is only flesh!
(Convicts all turn around with look of disgust)
Sirius: What? Have you seen, Harry?
Plaxico: Fuck this shit! I am out. Maybe I'll go to the bank and show them how fast a speeding bullet really is. Antonio better be in the car waiting for me.
(Plaxico leaves)
Hoyt: Really, dude? Come on, Sirius. We had him.
Schillinger: Yeah, I am gonna rape the magic wand out of you tonight, Sirius.
Adebisi: That goes double for me.

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

WednesDay in Football

The powers that be at Notre Dame have decided to wait until the middle of next season to fire Charlie Weis. That's right, everybody's favorite insufferably arrogant fat man is back for 2009!

Tim Tebow, Sam Bradford, Colt McCoy, Graham Harrell, and Michael Crabtree are finalists for the Walter Camp Football Foundation's Player of the Year award. Reading over Camp's contributions to the game ("...known as 'The Father of American Football,' ...[t]he former Yale athlete and football coach is also credited with developing play from scrimmage, set plays and the limit of 11 players per side") kind of makes you wonder how it was played before....

I hope Georgia Tech fans weren't looking forward to a trip to the Yellow Jackets' bowl game, because they accepted an invitation to the Chick-fil-A Bowl at the Georgia Dome. Which is, like, two miles from their home field.

The Seahawks put center Chris Spencer on injured reserve. And guard Mike Wahle might end up on IR, too. Wahle would bring the Seahawks IR list to twelve which sounds like a lot, but apparently isn't.

The NFL is going to show Thursday's Oakland/San Diego game in 3-D to a bunch of muckety-mucks. With the way the Raiders and Chargers have been playing, the attendees are lucky the games not being broadcast in Smell-O-Vision, am I right, folks? I'll be here all week.

Pacman is back, man. The NFL's Dennis the Menace (with, you know, getting strip club bouncers paralyzed as his "annoying Mr. Wilson" schtick) is back on Dallas's 53-man roster.

Thanks, but no thanks.

Ray Rhodes (October 20, 1950 to ???)

Current assistant defensive backs coach for the Houston Texans and (probably) not dead.

My apologies to Ray and the Rhodes family (which, not for nothing, is a pretty great band name) who I'm sure are avid AF! listeners.

Action Football! Episode 14

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

TuesDay in Football

After a successful hip replacement, Joe Paterno is back and held a squad meeting. The topic of the meeting was that strained peaches are better than strained nectarines. Paterno fell asleep halfway through the meeting. Because he's very old, you see.

A sprained ankle is keeping Florida's Percy Harvin listed as "questionable" for Saturday's SEC Championship game. Coach Urban Meyer had this to say: "The great news in the training room today, it's very positive, very positive, a lot of thumbs up, including from the player, a big thumbs up, a smile on his face." The mental image of everybody - assistant coaches, trainers, graduate assistants, secrataries - giving Urban Meyer "thumbs up" all the time is really hilarious to me.

Texas Tech quarterback Graham Harrell had 17 pins and two plates inserted in his (non-throwing) hand during a four hour surgery. To repair nine fractures in two fingers. Yeesh.

Vikings Kevin Williams and Pat Williams (yes, they're married), Texan Bryan Pittman (who?), and Saints Duece McAllister, Charles Grant, and Will Smith (gettin' jiggy with...the bench) were all suspended for taking banned diuretics. Diuretics are sometimes called "water pills." Apparently, none of these players were told that water is available in liquid form.

The NFL is unwilling to admit that playing regular season games in London is a terrible idea. So, congratulations Tampa Bay Buccaneers! You've been dicked out of a home game!

Certified genius and world-class marksman Plaxico Burress was fined and suspended for the remainder of the season by the New York Giants.

Hittin' the studio.

Unlikely to get paid in full.

Well, we're meeting up at Action Football! Studios East this evening to get the fourteenth episode down on wax (or, I guess whatever a minidisc is made out of).

While you can expect our regular topics (BCS recap, precap, and two weeks worth of the Quad Fours), we'll likely be touching on the extreme lack of racial diversity in the ranks of college football head coaches.

In general site news, I really think I've gotta get back to the "----Day in Football" posts 'cause otherwise there's depressingly little content around here (*coughrochestercough*). And it's not like I don't have time.... Extremely disappointing seasons by the Badgers and Packers have resulted in updates few and far between over at Load the Wagon.

So you've got my word now: at least one post per day from now until the birth of our Lord and Savior, Santa Claus.

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Action Football! Episode 13

Just like we promised, a new episode nice and early for Turkey Day!

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Read and enjoy, nerds.

Here's some interesting analysis of the impact of sacks.

Who knew nothing happened in football for, like, a week and a half?

Or, at least that's the impression you'd get by reading this blog.

With all the topics that could get discussed (is Cassel really the next Tom Brady? can Brett Favre take the Jets to the Super Bowl? will Detroit find a way to blow a bigger lead than 17 points this year?), let's take a minute to consider the last few weeks for Donovan McNabb. First, two weeks ago the Eagles battled the mighty Cincinnati Bengals to a 13-13 tie. After the game, McNabb said that he had no idea a game could end in a tie. Which is mind-boggling. Like, I'd understand if my wife was unaware that NFL games could end in ties. I'd even understand if casual football fans didn't know. Christ, even people who regularly watch NFL games aren't always aware of the rules (for instance, a friend to remain nameless, until recently thought that if a punt returner called for a fair catch and then let the ball drop, the ball was live...yeah, not so much). But for an "all-pro" quarterback, the leader of the team, to not know the situation he's in? That's absurd. (And honestly, how is it that the coaching staff wasn't like, "Okay, Donovan, we need to get this ball in field goal range for a shot at winning this game; it is literally our last shot"?)

In the aftermath of McNabb's admission, there have been other players claiming they didn't know about the tie rule, some players saying that between 50 and 70% of the players probably didn't know, which I'd guess is between 30 and 50% overestimated.... My favorite part about the article is Hines Ward saying:
I thought we were the last team to do it when we played the Falcons. I thought you just played until you had a winner. It’s kind of weird that you can still tie ball games.
Well, Hines, you're right: you were the last team to do it in that the most recent game to end in a tie was the Steelers/Falcons game in 2002. If, however, you mean "last team" like "last team ever to possibly tie", then that would have required a rule change. And why someone would just assume there'd been a rule change is beyond me.

So anyway, "to tie or not to tie"... water under the bridge. Then, last weekend Andy Reid benches McNabb against the Ravens. At the time, the Eagles were down by just three points, 10-7, but for some reason, Reid felt that Kevin Kolb gave Philadelphia the best shot at winning the game. (Unfortunately, a 26-0 second half didn't play out that way.) Rochester and I have discussed the Mike Holmgren Coaching Tree's legacy of game mismanagement before, and these past few weeks have added a ton more footnotes to that argument. The "Kolb for McNabb hafltime adjustment" shows the sort of over- and insight that it's no wonder that... you know, actually a crack at his drugged up criminal kids is just too easy.

At this point, it'll be a miracle if either McNabb or Reid are back with the organization next season, let alone both. If one would be back, I guess it'd be Reid, but even that chance is pretty fat.

And speaking of fat, how incredible is it to watch Charlie Weis's continued woes at Notre Dame? The only thing better than that smug piece of "offensive genius" dog doo chalking up some of the worst seasons in the history of the University of Football in America is the fact that Regis Philbin and all of the other Golden Domer boostards are on the hook for another seven years and, like, $16 million! And with the economy the way it is, they'll be lucky if they can buy him out before about 2010.

Hey, now I know what I can be thankful for on Thursday!

Thursday, November 20, 2008

Action Football! Episode 12

Click to stream, or download via iTunes.

And a note to all of you "turkeys" out there, with so pro games on Thanksgiving Day and college games the day after, we're gonna be putting next week's show up on Tuesday night. (Well, it might be past your bedtime, but it'll be available Wednesday morning at the very least.)

That way, you don't have to worry about lurching blindly into a holiday weekend, unarmed with the sort of top notch analysis and insight you can only get from Action Football!

Sunday, November 16, 2008

Watch the girl in the raincoat....

She's like an adorable pinball!

Thursday, November 13, 2008

Action Football! Episode 11

Click to stream or subscribe with iTunes.

An interesting article in the New York Times today about the dangerous lives of wedgebusters.

I remember reading about Teddy Roosevelt's intervention, which, if I'm not mistaken, lead to the legalization of the forward pass. (He was prompted to threaten to abolish the game because fatal injuries began occurring at an incredible rate: I'm pretty sure it was something like four per game.)

Anyway, while the article itself was interesting, it could have benefited by having one part edited. Or cut outright:
These kickoff plays, like the Flying Wedge of old, involve players running downfield at high speed before contact. There is no need to major in physics to calculate the results, but Blackburn, who studied mathematics at Akron, can do the math.

“When two offensive linemen or defensive linemen are coming together, you’re looking at 600 pounds coming at you,” Blackburn said. “A lot of just brutal, brutal contact in that situation.”
Soooo basically the "math" that studying mathematics at Akron will allow you to do is...second grade addition? Wow. Good for you, Blackburn.

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Scenes from a Sinking Ship...

We all know that the Oakland Raiders are a horrible organization, now with no offensive coordinator. And, I have pointed out how rough a place their stadium can be, but these images really kind of sum up what a shitty fucking place that is to play or watch a game.
PhotobucketPhotobucketPhotobucket One, that's a full body pat down. Two, look at the shit this dude has on. A black tank top? Only in Oakland.

On the pro prospects of Rochester's Dark Horse darling....

No one, save Graham Harrell's mother, probably really expects him to amount to anything in the NFL, but an interesting comparison to Andre Woodson at The Grand National Championships.

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

If you like football and you're also a nerd...

Check out Advanced NFL Stats.

On a related note, I tried reading The Hidden Game of Football once. It was pretty interesting, but I couldn't finish it because the attempts at humor were really grating. For all the alternative methods of measuring statistical success that were laid out in the book, the only one that stuck with me was an early mention of what constitutes a successful play. Basically, (as I recall) on first down a minimum gain of 40% of the distance remaining (so, four yards on a first and ten), 60% of remaining on second down, and 100% on third or fourth down were positive plays. Pretty logical, but it has changed, albeit subtly, the way I've watched football*.

* The last time something I read changed the way I watched the game was from either an interview with or from One Knee Equals Two Feet by John Madden where he advocates focusing on the offensive line at the snap. Before, I tended to watch the quarterback, but the movement of the line will tell you the nature (pass or run) and direction of the play well before whatever the quarterback does.

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Action Football! Episode 10

You Betcha!

As some of you may have noted, Action Football! has been scary in its accuracy of predictions of games. I called NC State's upset over ECU and I nailed the score and winner in the JMU v. Appalachian State game. Buddy also nearly called the score of the NC State v. USF game one week. It has gotten so good that I am going to start handing out sports advice. If you choose to use it for unscrupulous reasons, then I am not to blame. I mean, I have dabbled in a bit of sports betting from time to time. It is one of my few vices. Let us look ahead:

GAME 1: Jacksonville (-7) at Detroit
I look at this one like this. Detroit is an awful team. Just awful. And Jacksonville is a disappointing team. So it make perfect sense that Jacksonville would be spotted 7 points on the road in sunny Detroit. I don't think Detroit will win this one, but I don't expect the Jags to beat the spread. They are 2-6 versus the spread this year, towards the bottom of the league. TAKE DETROIT.

(Rochester drinks a tall boy of Miller High Life) Okay, so maybe I have a couple more vices. So what?

GAME 2: Kansas City (+15) at San Diego
Gambling makes bad teams and bad games a bit more watchable. These are back-to-back picks for crap-tastic teams and disappointing teams. Kansas City is borderline unwatchable. However, last week they crushed the spread at home versus Tampa Bay behind the running of Christian Okoye's bastard son. Kansas City is 4-4 versus the spread. I wonder when Roger Godell is just go on and make that the NFL's official scoring system. San Diego is 3-5 and this is a huge spread to try and cover. TAKE KANSAS CITY.

(Rochester snorts a line a powder off the back of his hand) What? It's headache powder.

GAME 3: Baltimore (-1) at Houston
Have you seen Baltimore play this year? Really? What do they look like? I have no idea. Is Elvis Grbac still their quarterback? How is Bam Morris running for them? This is really just a gut play. Do you think Baltimore is really a favorite on the road? Do you think that Houston can pull one off here with Sage Rosenfels? I look at the numbers. Baltimore is 6-2, but has not had a line like this all year. I hope you don't need this game to break even on Sunday. TAKE BALTIMORE.

(Rochester takes a long drag off of a long wooden pipe being held by an old Chinese man. Rochester sleeps for 4 hours and awakes looking a bit lost.) What? Where am I? Does someone have anything sweet?

GAME 4: New Orleans at Atlanta (50)
This is my lock. I love betting points. I love the look on people's faces when that lousy third string RB scores a meaningless touch down and ruins the points for them. Their eyes get all glassy as they start to shrink wrap in tears. And the best part is, there is no possible way to comeback from that. Needless to say, 50 points is a lot of points. These are two bad defenses, but 50 points! This is kind of a no brainer. TAKE THE UNDER.

Gambling is just one of my vices.
(Rochester take a short 28 day trip to Hazleden, Minnesota. Meets up with Joaquin Phoenix. They talk about doing a movie about a man who has the power to heal through his artistry in pies and donuts. It grosses $7.6 million domestically, but does very well internationally. Rochester, with his modest wealth relapses and comes back to Action Football! broke and still a bit of a gambler with a fairly steady drinking problem.)

Without a doubt, the Halloween costume of the year:


(from Deadspin)

Friday, October 31, 2008

A Personal Welcome to One of Our Newest Readers

Here's to you, person in Singapore that did a Google blog search for "naked guys".

Thursday, October 30, 2008

In Technology News

The Action Football! Podcast is now in the actual iTunes store. So if you want to subscribe to it (or turn a friend on to it), instead of having to open iTunes, go to Advanced, select "Subscribe to podcast"... you can just go to the iTunes store and do a podcast search for virtually any combination of: "Rochester" "Randolph" "Action" "Football" and let the robots do your work for you!

ThursDay in Football

Buddy Randolph: on the mend! I'm sitting at about 75% right now, so next week's show should be on track.

Apparently Cincinnati's getting 4 (four) quarterbacks ready for the upcoming game against South Florida. (And by upcoming, I mean to-fucking-night.) Anyway, I'm generally suspicious of running quarterback-by-committee with two quarterbacks let alone four. If there's any justice, they will run a different quarterback for each down of each series. It's so crazy, it just might work!

It's a felony to break into a dorm room? Too bad for you, Virginia fullback RaShawn Jackson. (And mind your weekends, Rochester.)

Without a game this week, Joe Paterno may have surgery. I didn't actually read this story, but I'm guessing the surgery is for his knee or hip or whatever leg injury's got him stuck in the press box. But I'd like to believe that the surgery is gender reassignment. Something about JoePa has always seemed grandmotherly to me, and I'd like to see that become a reality.

Michael Vick is going to have to plead guilty in person. Yeah, yeah, yeah, whatever.... The prosecutor's name is GERALD POINDEXTER! Seriously? Is Vick's attourney named Sherman Dastardly? It's like a trial from an Archie comic book.

You know things are going good in Detroit when they had to e-mail Daunte Culpepper's agent, Daunte Culpepper, to see about giving Culpepper a workout.

Economic crisis? Seemingly endless war? Fuck that shit, the Senate wants more football on tv!

"So you show up, fill out some paperwork, let the AD know when you're gonna pop, do your business, and pick up your fifty bucks."

"But isn't it weird being around, like, forty other half naked guys?"

"Yeah, the first couple times, I guess. But you get used to it. Plus craft services let's you take home food if you want."

"Uh, yeah, no thanks...."

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Our Podcast is Sick!

I mean that literally. I am almost 30 years old for Fred Savage's sake, why would I use the term sick to mean something good. The only 30 year olds who use sick to mean something good are those dochebags who still skateboard. Why aren't those dudes on a sexual predator watch list? I mean, I can't walk past St. Mary's during a field hockey game without getting one of these uppity mothers throwing their Volvo keys at my ass, but these guys can gleam the cube with a bunch of teen-aged boys? Where are you on this one, Chris Hansen? Oh and I love it when these guys show up at there jobs with twisted ankles and broken hips. Have fun explaining that one to your VP of development, fuckshovel.

Anywho, Buddy Randolph got a case of the sniffles and decided to squash this week's podcast. I wouldn't hear of it. So, I went ahead and talked about the NFL for an hour all by me-self. There was no recording equipment, so no one would hear it. No one hearing our podcast is pretty much standard, so no biggie-shortie. We'll be back next week. Take you vitamins and Happy Halloween, people. FOR TRUE!

Friday, October 24, 2008

FriDay in Football

The West Virginia Coalmineers - well, Noel Devine, really - stuck it to Auburn last night. Call me crazy, but this is kind of how I'd expected West Virginia to play all year. Come to think of it, this is how I expected Auburn to play all year, too.

Tennessee is out for payback against Alabama. Apparently John Parker Wilson had a great day against the Vols last year, so I'd expect Tennessee to get revenge the only way they know how: losing by four touchdowns.

First Toledo beats Michigan, then they suspend Sean Willimason, a senior defensive lineman, for the remainder of the season; a co-captain no less. Over/under on the team rules having to do with weed? 'Cause, Christ, what else is there to do in Toledo?

Plaxico Burress was fined $45,000 by the League. For what? For being a dumbshit.

Speaking of weed and Ohio, former Buckeye got pulled over and admitted that he had marijuana in his car. In fairness, he was probably only holding it for Michael Irvin who was holding it for a friend.

Peyton Manning's second off-season knee surgery was either for or not for a staph infection. I'm pretty sure a bunch of USC players got staph infections over the summer. Then Kellen Winslow was hospitalized by one. Tom Brady's knee infection? I bet it's staph. Now, I'm no epidemiologist (well, an amateur at most) but I'm pretty sure this means that football teams are test groups for some sort new biological weapon. You know Planet Terror? This shit is going to turn out just like that.

Commish Roger Goodell is on the "shorter preseason, longer regular season train." Frankly, with an expiring CBA, the end of the salary cap, and a potential labor lock out, Goodell has bigger fish to fry. Plus he's gonna have to decide what sort of absurd suspension to hand out to Santonio Holmes.

Ummm...I got nothing.

Thursday, October 23, 2008

ThursDay in Football

Hey, remember when I was doing this for, like, a week?

With Oklahoma, Oklahoma State, and Tulsa in the top 25, the state is the king of college football. Okay!

Next year, Army and Navy are playing a week later. Wow. I'll be sure to mark my calendar.

Chris "Bean-O" Wells is "sore but ready" for Penn State. Not that it matters, Rochester and I have gone on the record as saying Penn State's gonna win. And when we say something on the record: That. Shit. Happens.

Apparently Syracuse is denying hiring a consulting firm in the search for Greg Robinson's successor. Which, obviously, means that it's true. But honestly, a consulting firm? Couldn't they just kind of use the dartboard approach?

Jason Taylor's back for the Redskins. He was, of course, on Dancing With the "Stars" during the off-season, so you could say that he's waltzing back into the gameplan for Washington. However, you should not write shuck, jive, or - absolutely not - shuck and jive.... But on the other hand, does racism even factor in if you're talking about someone on the Redskins?

In current Vikings player news, Adrian "Purple Jesus" Peterson is learning to be patient on the field. Apparently, it's unreasonable to expect to rush for 250 yards in every game. Who knew?

In former Vikings player news, Daunte Culpepper will work for food. And presumably hundreds of thousands of dollars.

Tom Brady had to have, like, a dozen more surgeries because of an infection in his knee. There's a lot of people that will joke that it's time for his leg to get amputated, but I bet those people will feel pretty bad if he actually has to have his leg amputated. Or if this injury ends up ending his career. But don't feel too bad for too long, spiteful internet dweebs: Tom Brady still has a ton of money, bangs supermodels, and will land a fatty studio job whenever his career is over and you'll still be doing whatever unfulfilling office job (if you're lucky; maybe you drive a forklift) that you do now.

Huh, who knew Shaggy 2 Dope still had a year of eligibilty?