Thursday, September 1, 2011

Oh, Al Davis, you lovable undead nightmare.

Anyone with a passing familiarity of Oakland Raiders' owner/president/cryptkeeper Al Davis is probably aware of his obsession with measurables. It's the reason JabbaMarcus Russell - the quarterback whose ability to throw the ball a country mile was rivaled only by his ability to consume country ham - was made a Number One Overall pick by the Raiders, guaranteeing Russell as a first-ballot member of the Draft Bust Hall-of-Fame.

More than football-chucking strength, though, the Combine datum that gets the sand racing through Davis's black, pruney heart is speed. Speed with a capital 'S'. It's the reason by-all-rational-projections early second round receiver Darrius Heyward-Bey was taken seventh overall in 2009. And more recently, it's the reason the Raiders chose Terrelle Pryor in the third round of the NFL Supplemental Draft.

Here are a few lesser known instances of Davis's Need for Speed:

1972 - Bought a custom silver and black Jaguar E-type Series III convertible that he called Irene. Davis was forced to scrap the car after lending to Robert Evans, who returned it with a gas tank full of cocaine.

1980 - Read the Bill Cosby advertisement/essay "How to Read Faster" in Ebony magazine. Found much quicker ways of completely disregarding feedback from college scouts.

1983 - Enrolled in Surgical Technology courses at Las Positas Community College hoping to find a way to create a human/quarter horse hybrid. Transferred to Photography after his first semester, focusing on nude self portraiture. Was promptly expelled.

1992 - Bought a minority share in Galoob after being wowed by John Moschitta in a Micro Machines commercial.

1994 - Outfitted all Raiders offices with state of the art 28.8k modems. (Note: offices have not been upgraded since.)

1998 - Perfected a spinach, applesauce, wheat germ, methamphetamine smoothie recipe that has kept him alive to this day.

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

In the world of blind trophy designers, the one-eyed sculptor is king.

In this instance, though, the two-eyed public snuck up on the designers bad side. And rightfully so.

In case you are among the majority of people that pay little-to-no mind to the Iowa/Iowa State rivalry, the teams play for something called the Cy-Hawk trophy. It used to look like this:

Apparently, it was deemed too old fashioned, so in order to give it a gritty reboot, the Iowa Corn Growers Association, the new sponsor of the "big" game, commissioned a new one.

The winning design:

was unveiled at the Iowa State Fair (as opposed to the Indiana State Fair, which unveiled the losing bandstand design) and everyone loved it. Psych! Everyone (everyone) hated it.

I mean, consider that boring monstrosity:

The first thing that jumps out is that, while attempting to maintain a degree of realism, in detail everything is weirdly cartoony. The corn is creepily ovoid (more genetic modification, please!), and the little girls mongoloid head is damn-near larger than her mother's. (No doubt the result of eating that fucked up corn....)

While there seems to be a hint of a smile on the father's and son's faces, the mother seems to be looking down on the man with an exhausted judgement. "I left Des Moines for this? You said you wanted to be a farmer, Dave, but after nine years, you've only grown four ears of corn...."

Unlike the Big Ten, who reacted to the negative reaction of the new logo (which I don't think is actually that bad) and division names (which I absolutely think are that bad) with a hearty "fuck off, haters!", the Corn Mafia actually decided to go back to the drawing board.

I don't have an idea for a better trophy - mostly because I could give a shit about the Iowa/Iowa State rivalry - but I do not envy the designers. Not only are they tasked with satisfying the public, but also winning over the diverse Corn Growers Association....

Hahahahaha, just kidding. If even one out of the 17 members of the Iowa Corn Promotions Board isn't a middle-aged white guy, I'll eat that ugly ass trophy.

In reality, I do envy the designers of the next trophy. It's rare that someone can go into a creative and/or professional project knowing the only way they could do worse would be to literally shit on a plate and call it a trophy.

Monday, August 1, 2011

2 Fast 2 Furious!

They were not lying about this free agency junk being all coo-coo bananas. I am freaking out. I told my dad that the start of the NFL season is going to be like when I tune into hockey in December and no one is on the team I remember them being on the past two years...and some how Jeremy Roenick is still playing. That guy was on the last EA NHL game where you could fight on it and somehow he still in on the ice. It is kind of how Darrel Green was on Madden for every game system ever. I am not going to get into each and every free agency because this is Action Football! and we are the laziest football blog on the interweb. Let's look at:

They signed Nn-na-nu, er, this guy. For about two billion dollars less than Al Davis was paying him. With the addition of Dominique-Rodger Cromartie and with Asante Samuel, still somehow holding it down, the Eagles have probable "No-Fly" secondary. They also signed Vince Young to back up Michael Vick. This sounds like a good idea. Vick will be a perfect mentor. If there is one thing this trouble young black quarterback needs as a mentor, then it is an ex-con. Sounds like a plot to a new BET sitcom.

I have no idea where the Jets are getting all this money. I half expect a slew of ATM stickups by a fat man with a foot fetish in the greater New Jersey-area. $24 million guaranteed for Santonio Holmes? All right. Plaxico Burress gets $3 million guaranteed? Pardon me? Twat did you say? I cunt hear you. $3 million for a 34-year old WR who has spent the past two years in prison? I wonder how shaky he going to be getting in the showers, because, you know, this happens.

Fuck the Patriots. Really, just fuck them. Oh, you signed Chad Ochocinco and Albert Hayneworth? Why? I guess we can't even comprehend what they are doing. They are so much smarter than the rest of us. They are just so smart. For us to understand what they are doing, would be like Bobby Fischer explaining Sicilian Defense or why he hated Jews. Just a little note, the Patriots haven't won the Super Bowl in seven years. So, they must know more about football than the rest of us that you don't have to win Super Bowls to be considered champions. Dicks.

With all this going on, I am willing to bet that none of these teams are in their respective championship games.

Thursday, July 28, 2011

Our Long National Nightmare Is Over...

...I want to keep this blog going. Shit has been mad rough on the AF! front over the past 365 days. I don't wanna get into it, but I might be a Republican. SAY WHAAAAAAAA! Also, the lock-out is over, so I can officially talk about how your fantasy football team names of "The Cleveland Steamers" or "Donkey Punchers" are dumb, but still give me an erection. ROCK HARD! So, let's take a minute and thank the good Christian Lord for getting this junk taken care of. Why does He have to be Christian? Because the Jewish Lord hasn't come yet and He might be a ginger. Read the Talmud. So, Andy Dalton might be the next Messiah. Not such a bad pick for the Bengals now, huh? Welcome back, NFL.