Tuesday, July 21, 2009

What the hell happened to Freedom of Information Act?

Oh my! My hats off to you, fellow pervert. What the article doesn't say is where the camera was found, what it had on the tape, or who put it there. I mean, what the Sam Houston State does "a private moment" mean? So, in true spirit of the blogosphere and the ever deteriorating validity of modern media, I am going to make random guesses on all three and hope a wire service takes it and runs with it:

  1. The camera, placed in Erin Andrews's closet, filmed an hour and a half of Ms. Andrews crying in the closets and ensuring herself, "Tebow will get another year. Tebow will get another year." The police are holding Jesse Palmer in connection to the crime.

  2. The camera, placed in Erin Andrew's bedroom mirror, filmed 20 minutes of Ms. Andrews looking in the mirror and saying repeatedly, "Fuck you, Hannah Storm. I am a blond. Fuck you, Hannah Storm. I am a blond. Fuck you, Hannah Storm. I am a blond."

  3. The camera, placed in Erin Andrew's bedroom mirror, featured a drunken same sex hook-up with Suzy Kolber. In the tape, Ms. Andrews looks drunkenly into Ms. Kolber's eyes and mutters, "I wanna kiss you." There is also a reference to "shoving a lil' something into your ESPN2". It was also called "The Deuce".

  4. The camera, placed in Erin Andrew's bathroom mirror, shows a man who looks like Tyler Perry. However, after 45 minutes of make-up, Mr. Perry appears to become Ms. Andrews. (Ed. Note: GODDAMN! THAT TYLER PERRY MOTHER FUCKER IS IN EVERYTHING!)

  5. The camera, placed in Erin Andrew's bedroom mirror, shows her in a head to toe latex outfit. 10 minutes later, a man with a paper bag enters the room. Ms. Andrews pays him money, the man places the paper bag on the foot of the bed and then goes off camera. Ms. Andrews cuts a hole in the mouth of her latex suit and opens the bag. She takes out a large silver torpedo-shaped object. Fumbling with her latex gloves, she struggles with silver object. After 5 minutes, the man comes back into camera and snatches the object from Ms. Andrews. He unwraps the object. It is a foot long meatball hero from Salvio & Paulie Pizzeria-magorium. The man leaves and Ms. Andrews proceeds to go to town on that hero.

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