Wednesday, October 22, 2008

My Day with Cooper Carlisle

As you may have guessed, Action Football! is not really all that high on the sports media hierarchy. We have yet to get any of our sponsor to actually give us anything. It is pretty rough. So, you can only imagine how excited I was when I got an official one-on-one interview with an actual NFL player. I ran into Cooper Carlisle on his off day and asked him for an exclusive interview. He was a bit apprehensive at first, but after a little coaxing he agreed. We took a booth at a local Applebee's and the interview began:
ROCHESTER: Thanks for taking sometime to talk to me and the Action Football crew today, Mr. Carlisle.
COOPER: Dude, don't call me Mr. Carlisle. Call me, Coop.
ROCHESTER: Is that what everyone on the team calls you.
COOPER: No.
ROCHESTER: What do they call you them.
COOPER: It varies from player to player. JaMarcus calls me Coop de Ville.
ROCHESTER: That's funny.
COOPER: Yeah, then he'll say something like, "Coop de Ville, you could get laid at a place where people typically have free sex."
ROCHESTER: That's not too clever.
COOPER: Dude, he went to LSU. For him, it's like he is fucking Bill Cosby. That's why he wears those sweaters.
ROCHESTER: Yeah, I saw that.
COOPER: Then, Coach Bob Ryan calls me Shovelfuck.
ROCHESTER: What does that mean?
COOPER: I don't know and I really am kind of scared to ask. They guy has a bunch of European videos if you know what I mean.
ROCHESTER: Kinky.
COOPER: 'Über-kink' is what one of them is called. (looks around) Where the fuck are my mozzarella sticks?
ROCHESTER: They're coming. How is it working for Al Davis?
COOPER: I'll tell you. If he were here right now, then I'd have my damn mozzarella sticks.
ROCHESTER: He wields quite a bit of power?
COOPER: Yup, enough to get me a plate of fried cheese. (waitress drops off mozzarella sticks and refills soda cups) AW SHIT YEAH! Why you drinking diet soda?
ROCHESTER: I really don't need the calories.
COOPER: Then why did you order the Brewtus Steak Burger with triple bacon?
ROCHESTER: I was, um, just...well. Do you guys think you can try to salvage the season at all? Do you think you can build some momentum after that victory over the New York Jets?
COOPER: I mean, if you are really worried about losing weight why would you order a 1,500 calorie hamburger? You should've ordered a Sante Fe Chicken Salad.
ROCHESTER: That had just as many calories as that hamburger.
COOPER: Say what? Not if you substitute the sour cream and guacamole.
ROCHESTER: Then what the fuck it so 'Santa Fe' about that?
COOPER: Jeez, touchy! I was just trying to help your little fat ass out.
ROCHESTER: (angrily sips on Diet Mr. Pibb and stare off past Cooper)
That was kind of the end of the interview. We just sat there in silence for the next half hour and then we argued over who would pay the bill. He wanted to split the check, but that fucker got an appetizer and didn't even share it. Am I wrong here?

2 comments:

Matt said...

The salad would probably have less fat than a burger, though. But men don't eat salads.

Buddy said...

Normally eating good in the neighborhood comes with the possibility of getting separate checks. Ask your server next time.