In Paralyzed Amputee News

It's easy to get wrapped up in football watching and blogging, thinking that Wisconsin blowing a lead to Michigan or NC State getting waxed by South Florida matters, but then you read a story like this: Jaguars' offensive tackle Richard Collier, who was shot on September 2nd, is paralyzed from the waist down and had his left leg amputated.

Collier and former Jag Kenny Pettway were in a car behind and apartment waiting for two women when the shooting occurred leaving 14 bullets (!) in Collier. The word is, although there's no known motive, Collier was targeted by the shooter(s). Pettway was uninjured. It's terrible that Collier's way of life has been irreparably altered, but amazing and fortunate that he's still alive. It sounds like he's got a close, supportive family around him, which will no doubt aid and ease his recovery.

If blaxploitation movies have taught me anything, the most probable explanation is that one of the women's older brothers is a Jacksonville pimp and drug dealer who's corrupting the neighborhood. Collier was sick of seeing what was happening to the young brothers and sisters in the street so he decided to take a stand. After hitting the streets and straightening out some of the wayward youth, the gangster realized that Collier was fucking with his bottom line. So, knowing he couldn't get to Collier directly, he bought the small apartment building that Pettway's widowed grandmother lives in, met Pettway in the back of a pool hall and threatened to evict his grandmother if he didn't get Collier to accompany him to the apartment building parking lot. No doubt Pettway was assured there'd be no rough stuff, just a meeting.

So then, Pettway told Collier that he had arranged a double date with a couple of stewardesses that he had met while hanging out at the pool hall, but that they wouldn't be able to get together until after their flight had gotten in and they had a chance to clean up at the apartment they shared. Just as Pettway and Collier pulled up behind the apartment, the gangster met his sister and her roommate as they were leaving to meet the men. At the same moment the gangster intercepted the women, some of the gangster's thugs popped out from behind the dumpster next to Collier's car and opened fire.

All that's left now is for Pettway to tearfully admit his forced involvement to Collier in his hospital room, promising that he didn't know there'd be violence, Collier to accept his apology, and the two men to band together to bring justice to the gangster and take back the streets.

Oh, and to make sweet love to those ladies they didn't get to meet up with that night.

FriDay in Football

NCAA
Defensive linemen Maurice Evans and Abe Koroma, a couple of Penn State's potheads, should be back in the line up Saturday. When asked for comment, Joe Paterno said, "We've made sure those youngsters steer clear of jazz cigarettes from here on out." Then he fell asleep.

USF quarterback Matt Grothe wants to make Saturday's game at NC State a "statement." In their last game, a win against Florida International, Grothe failed to throw a touchdown for just the second time in 30 starts. I'm guessing USF hangs about 42 on State. (The Wolfpack defense is good, but they're gonna be gassed after the offense three-and-outs every single possession....)

NFL
The Ravens defense is pissed about a text message from Steelers rookie running back Rashard Mendenhall to friend, and Ravens rookie running back, Ray Rice. In it, Mendenhall says he's going to have a big game against them. And...that's it. Ooooooh. I bet the Ravens d will be super pissed when they read that I think they look like dorks.

Apparently, while he's out at least three or four weeks, Packers cornerback Al Harris may not have to miss the whole season (as initially feared) with his dinged up spleen.

Regardless of what the NFL inquiry says, I say, mind your eyes in Cleveland.

"You guys are totally effing up my Facebook status."

Oh Me, Oh My, Oh-regon State

Hey, remember when I totally called that Oregon State upset yesterday? Don't bother looking, just take my word for it.

All told, it was one hell of a ballgame. Jaquizz Rogers is one shifty little fucker. (But, man, how is his name Jaquizz and his brother's James? Is James short for Jamesond'vondrae?) Normally, if I don't have any vested interested in the game, I'll pull for a close one first, and an upset second. In this instance, though, when all the Oregon State students were jumping the wall with three minutes left, I found myself pulling for USC to come back and win. Because if there's one thing I like more than an upset, it's a ton of shell-shocked dipshits with egg all over their faces.

Finally, the one thing this game gives me - besides the chance to skip reading a bunch of "what does this game mean for (insert team ranked #2 to 8)?" articles - is a four month early feeling of pity for whatever Big Ten team has to play USC in the Rose Bowl when (not if) they win the Pac 10. If last year's USC/Illinois Rose Bowl seemed like a beatdown....

So what did you do to the bed, USC?

Nice game, pretty boys. Were you looking ahead to that monster match-up against Oregon. You know, Oregon, that team that got smoked by Boise State. Or maybe it is that match-up against Ryan Leaf's alma mater, Washington State. No? Maybe it was that Oregon State is so good. Because getting run by Penn State and Stanford really makes their resume so impressive. Way to lose the National Championship in your first PAC-10 game, Trojans. You might want to think about giving that horse a topsy-tail next game.

This Picture Will Never Fail to Make Me Laugh

ThursDay in Football

NCAA
Hawaii quarterback Tyler Graunke is questionable for Saturday's game against San Jose St. due to a sore right hand. Also, I'm pretty sure "Graunke" was a character on The Herculoids.

USC is at Oregon State tonight. There's been a lot of talk about how the Trojans get fired up for big games but can lose focus for smaller games. I have a feeling a lot of that talk is aimed at getting people to watch in case there's an upset. Boy, will they be disappointed when USC wins by 48 points.

NFL
Missouri and Ohio are awful at professional football. You know what? Let's just strike that "at professional football" part.

15-year Patriot receiver (and sometime defensive back) Troy Brown retired. Brown seems like a stand up guy, so I won't make a crack at his expense. Instead: boners.

Neither Donovan McNabb nor Brian Westbrook practiced. They've missed two consecutive practices. What a couple of babies.

I crimp my horse's tail...FOR VICTORY!

Getcher Red Hot Action Football! Episode 5 Here

Just like always, click the image to stream at Gcast, or subscribe with iTunes by following the directions here.

WednesDay in Football

NCAA
Chris Phillips, a senior cornerback and team leader at Indiana, will miss the remainder of the season with a torn ACL. So much for Indiana's bowl game aspirations....

On the advice of Emmitt Smith (by way of Dallas rookie and former Georgia Tech running back Tashard Price), Paul Johnson's Georgia Tech team will be drinking Pedialyte to beat cramps. And also on the advice of Emmitt Smith, the Yellow Jackets will be using Just for Men hair color to beat looking old. You can brush that shit in your beard!

There's a-gonna be a "white out" at Penn State. Says quarterback Daryll Clark: "Prime time, the stage is set so high. And then the 'White House' is what we call it. The big white out." Look, pick a stupid pun and stick with it. You can either have a white out, like the snow phenomenon, or the White House, pal.

NFL
Matt Millen? Fired??? What's the American workplace coming to when a mere seven plus years of gross incompetence will lose a man his job? For shame, Ford family. For shame.

The Giants suspended wide out Plaxico Burress for a game for failing to call in to say he was going to miss practice. Hey, whatever... Um...isn't Drew Rosenhaus a real piece of shit?

The key to success in the NFL is consistency at the most important position: quarterback. Which, I guess, is why it's no surprise that Kansas City's starting their fourth different quarterback in four games. It's your time to shine, Damon Huard!

Wow, it's amazing they were able to capture such a dynamic personality in a wax statue.

How many can you get to Raleigh?

This is how the 49ers are 2-1. On a side note, NC State Coach Tom O'Brien has order 50 of them to the Murphy Center to take care of what can only be called a veritable whose who of walking dead. (Ed. Note: Like that pic, Matt)

This is Pretty Much Exactly How I See Nessler and Maguire Now

I guess, then, Griese would be Tony, that mutant in The Last Resort that says to Quaid, "You got a lot of nerve showing your face around here, Hauser," and then Quaid says, "Look who's talking," because Tony's face is like a weird flesh beret that covers half his head.

Man, Total Recall is the best.

TuesDay in Football

NCAA
Buckeye fans everywhere can sigh a...sigh of relief: Beanie Wells is probable for the game against Minnesota! Maybe a drubbing of the Golden Gophers will wash the taste of national humiliation out of Ohio State's collective mouth. Or maybe not.

West Virginia boosters might want to start getting there checkbooks ready because apparently Bill Stewart's six year contract contains a $1 million buyout clause. Then again, Stewart has the steely look of a coach in control. Er....

Florida State's sticking with starting quarterback Christian Ponder. Who gives a shit, right? Well, at least we're given the opportunity to read (and reread) FSU offensive coordinator Jimbo Fisher's take on the offense: "Bing, bam, boom, we never could get any rhythm." Maybe it's just me, but I picture him playing the spoons for half an hour immediately following that statement. Much to the discomfort of the reporters present.

On a more serious note, Ball State receiver Dante Ball and Washington State quarterback Gary Rogers will likely never play football again after suffering spinal injuries in games over the weekend. Thankfully, both are expected to make full recoveries and leave normal lives. But we must ask ourselves, is a life not spent on the football field entertaining me while I sit on the couch drinking beer and eating chips a life worth living? Is it?

NFL
You know things are bad in St. Louis when you've decided to start thiiiis-close-to-applesauce-and-adult-diapers-for-the-rest-of-his-life quarterback Trent Green over Marc Bulger, but that's the deal, apparently.

Rochester's AFC fave Pittsburgh Steelers are going to be without Pro Bowl running back Willie Parker and All World fat ass Casey Hampton for Monday Night's game against the Baltimore Ravens.

This just in: Lane Kiffin is not fired. Yet. Don't you kind of get the impression that Al Davis is just hoping he gets fed up and quits so he doesn't have to buy him out of his contract?

Patriots cornerback Ellis Hobbs is a whiny whiner. Hey, don't want to get booed? Here's an idea: don't get waxed by the by-all-accounts-pitiful Miami Dolphins. At home.

Some people call it a sling blitz. I call it a kaiser blitz. Mmm-hmmm.

Buddy, Can You Spare a Receiver?

This Onion Sports article is probably depressingly close to real life for most Seahawks fans.

All these injuries, though, are probably just karma for subjecting us to years of shitty play off games. Not to mention keeping Joey Porter caliber dickweed Jerramy Stevens on their roster for five years.

So watch out in a couple years, Rochester, 'cause the Buccaneers harboring Stevens now is setting them up for a fall....

(Tip of the cap to Sarah B. Andrews for the Onion link.)

Still my Most Intriguing Match-up...

Let me try this one more time. In our 3rd podcast, I listed my M.I.M. of the week as Appalachian State v. Furman. This was wrong. There I fucking said it. Does it make you feel like a big man to make me admit when I am wrong? Well, I was wrong when I slept with your wife, too. Whose the big man now? Yeah. *cough* Where was I? Oh yes, my M.I.M. revisited. I knew that Appalachian had a big match-up at some point and it turns out to be this weekend against James Madison. This was a 28-27 playoff game just last season. Both teams have knock-out QB's (for FCS level football). Both are ranked in the top 10 in the FCS, which is probably the equivalent to my WTA ranking. Howevs, James Madison has been putting up 50+ points per game at home and guess where the game it being played. I SAID GUESS! It is in Harrisonburg. When Appalachian State coach, Jerry Moore, was asked how he felt about playing at Bridgeforth Stadium said, "You ever been to Baton Rouge?"

Nice one, Jerry. Oh wait, no that wasn't. Your boys got cankered in Baton Rouge. Maybe don't bring that one up ever again. I am sure you don't brag to recruits about that one that slipped away by 28 points. On the flip side, I hope James Madison doesn't talk about that one that got away from them in Durham either. My pick: JMU 34-31 REDEMPTION!

Typical Mountaneer heading to tailgate.

Action Football! Episode 4: Up and at Them

You can look back at prior announcement posts for directions if you need 'em.

This is what 1-1 feels like, vato.

I can't imagine why Lane Kiffin is just worried about losing his job with the Raiders. With fans like theses, I'd be more worried about being raped and sold to a rival gang for a brick of Mexican black tar. GO RAIDERS!

Guess Who's Back?

Gus is back!

In the latest AF! Podcast (hitting the air tonight), Rochester had to go deep into his notes to come up with Minnesota's back-up quarterback, Gus Frerotte. Well, Gus is nobody's back-up now. Coach Brad Childress's hopes and dreams of making Tarvaris Jackson Minnesota's franchise quarterback have taken another step back.

Still, with all the guaranteed money Zygmunt Wilf (which seems like a name that could only be made by substitution cypher) put up this year, it's not too much to expect better than 4-12. And that's pretty much the season T-Jack was setting them up for....

Stop the Presses

Bob Sanders (not to be confused with Bob Wood, national program director of the CHUM group) is *gasp* injured...again. This time a high ankle sprain is going to keep him out 4 to 6 weeks. Apparently, since he's already down, he might get some knee surgery, too. Great!

I see a trend developing here. Bob Sanders started: 4 games in 2004, 14 in 2005, 4 in 2006, 15 in 2007, and 2 so far in 2008. If he hits double digits this year, it'll be a miracle.

A Supplement to the Podcast (Which is Coming Soon)

Week Three, In the Books

Rochester and I are meeting up at Action Football! Studios East tonight for the fourth installment of the podcast. Get excited!

I think I've got to alter the way I watch football. Or at the very least start limiting how much I watch. Saturday, I was on the couch from noon until 1:30 am. Admittedly, a day like that's a little atypical, because normally Wisconsin games don't start at 10:30 pm.

Sunday, I actually went to the gym during the Indianapolis/Minnesota game. Exercising while watching football was a huge revelation. An hour on the Arc Trainer was over before I knew it. I briefly considered restarting the cycle, but then came to my senses. It's definitely a set-up I'll consider in the future, though. I mean, I don't have the numbers in front of me, but I'm willing to bet that watching football on a treadmill or bike or elliptical is better for you than watching football on the couch, eating TGI Friday's pizza chips and drinking Cuba libres.

Gee, Doc, you got your whole fist down there?

I went to the dentist the other day to get 5 cavities filled. That's right, FIVE! The dentist and I got to chatting while waiting for the novacain to take effect. This is what good dentist do, because it helps to get the drug into your bloodstream. My old dentist would shoot his arm full of the stuff and then excuse himself to the bathroom to play his game of "the stranger." My new dentist turns out to be a Kentucky fan. I talk about what a surprising high Rich Brooks was for them. He talks about how much he wants Kentucky to beat Steve Spurrier. This puts me at ease as the drilling begins. This is where things kind of go wrong.

I was not in any pain, but the dentist took my knowledge about football to mean that he can keep talking about football while doing his business. He isn't just making statements about Kentucky football, but he is asking me questions. Not the kind of questions that get a grunt or an gag for a response. He is asking me if I think the success of the NC State football program was because of Amato or Phillip Rivers (Ed. Note: It was a combination of Norm Chow and Phillip Rivers.). He was asking me if I thought Andre Woodson would turn into a good pro (Ed. Note: No.). He even asked me if I thought Jared Lorenzen was a good back up to Peyton Manning (Ed. Note: I love the hefty lefty!). It was driving me nuts. Then as I am waiting for my filling to set, he makes a comparison of Tim Couch to Phillip Rivers. He is lucky that he had all those instruments of pain or else it would've been on like Michelle Kwan. Dentists are sadists.

Action Football! Episode 3

All you iTunes subscribers already know this, but the third episode of our critically acclaimed podcast is up. Like always, clicking the image above will take you to Gcast for streamin' or you can still use the RSS (http://www.gcast.com/u/dw3000/main.xml) to subscribe through iTunes.

In More Mothers and Sons News*

Much like Beanie Wells' mother telling everybody her boy's foot is fine, Vince Young's status was delivered to the press by his mom. Apparently, Vince "will be fine if people are prayerful and help my baby boy out. He is a young man. He just needs a lot of love and support.'' First off, who knew "prayerful" is actually a word? Secondly, I guess if anyone's going to get an inside read on Young's mindset, it's one of the women in his life (note: I would have provided a link to that NFL commercial where VY talks about his rose tattoos representing his sisters, mother, and grandmother, but I couldn't find it).

* I strongly advise against Google Image searching "mothers and sons" without first turning on the Safe Search. Yikes.

Well, Suh-prise Suh-prise....

Breaking news out of San Diego that comes as a complete shock to no one with half a brain:

Roidtard Shawne Merriman is having season-ending surgery to repair the torn tendons in his knee that he was attempting to play on. The only thing I can figure is that after his two tackle performance in the Carolina game the other day (during which he was in and out of the lineup), he went home and watched Friday Night Lights. After seeing Boobie Miles' career end when he tried playing on a busted knee, a light bulb went on over his head.

And no amount of slapping the light switch tattoo on his forearm was going to turn that light bulb off.

Surrrgerryyyyyy!

Monday Morning Quick Hits

It's the Monday morning after the first full football weekend. Frankly, I am exhausted. But not hung over because I didn't drink at all on Sunday. Take that, alcoholism!

Anyway, since we're recording the podcast tomorrow night, it's best to err on the side of caution here. Hence, I'll try to limit the amount of information put down.

NCAA

The big poll activity was ECU up to #14 from #27 with their 24-3 rout of "#8" West Virginia. Otherwise, the status quo was pretty well preserved.

So far, Skippy Holtz's Pirates are the feel good story of the season. Looking at what they've done so far and the rest of their schedule, it actually doesn't seem too crazy to think they could finish undefeated....

NFL

Jacksonville, Seattle, Cleveland, and Indianapolis looked like turds; Chicago looked championship-caliber; Tom Brady's knee buckled.... It's like the Bizarro NFL. I was going to caution against getting too worked up about things after one week, citing some of the crazy week one results from last year, but...then I looked at last year's results and couldn't find any scores to back me up.

So I guess get ready for the Bears/Bills Super Bowl XLIII....

Hey, Pro Football's Back!

What a piece of shit game last night. The Giants should be concerned. Really concerned. The Redskins were all sorts of terrible and the game was only 16-7? Cripes.

LOLZorn looked totally out of his element on the sideline. I know Rochester picked Philadelphia to finish last in the NFC East in last week's show, but I think that we might need to employ a little revisionist history....

And there were some college games on, too, but the only one worth mentioning was Vandy over #24 South Carolina. Vanderbilt put up 24 on a defense that blanked NC State so it's kind of like Vanderbilt beat the Wolfpack by 58-0. Ah, the transitive property of football.

Action Football! Episode 2 Live* and Direct**

Just like last time, clicking the image will take you to Gcast for the stream. Also just like last time, you can use the subscribe via iTunes (http://www.gcast.com/u/dw3000/main.xml in Advanced>Subscribe to podcast).

And, hey, remember when we said that this one wouldn't be 80 minutes. It's not. It's 88. Seriously, though, until we've got bowl previews, our shows probably won't be this long....

* Not live.
** Not direct, really.

The Most Hilarious Football Story Likely To Happen This Year

1. The Lions sign Rudi Johnson after Cincinnati releases him.

2. The Lions release Tatum Bell.

3. Johnson shows up in Detroit and swings by Matt Millen's office, leaving his luggage in the hallway.

4. Bell steals all Johnson's luggage and takes it to some lady's house.

Man, just allow that last part to sink in a bit.... Fantastic!

From the News Womb

This just in Chris Beanie Wells is feeling fine. This is according to the most trusted name in sports news, his fucking mom. STOP THE PRESSES! STOP THE PRESSES! Paulette Wells has something to say. "Beanie hates being called Beanie. He is grown man. Call him Chrissy." This is fantastic stuff, Paulette. When did this become a news trend? I am blaming this on Brett Farve. Not because Brett Farve started this whole media search engine craze with his un-retirement (re-retirement?). I just want to blame something on Brett Farve. Oh also, I think Brett Farve might have siphoned gas from my neighbor's Datsun.