In Paralyzed Amputee News

It's easy to get wrapped up in football watching and blogging, thinking that Wisconsin blowing a lead to Michigan or NC State getting waxed by South Florida matters, but then you read a story like this: Jaguars' offensive tackle Richard Collier, who was shot on September 2nd, is paralyzed from the waist down and had his left leg amputated.

Collier and former Jag Kenny Pettway were in a car behind and apartment waiting for two women when the shooting occurred leaving 14 bullets (!) in Collier. The word is, although there's no known motive, Collier was targeted by the shooter(s). Pettway was uninjured. It's terrible that Collier's way of life has been irreparably altered, but amazing and fortunate that he's still alive. It sounds like he's got a close, supportive family around him, which will no doubt aid and ease his recovery.

If blaxploitation movies have taught me anything, the most probable explanation is that one of the women's older brothers is a Jacksonville pimp and drug dealer who's corrupting the neighborhood. Collier was sick of seeing what was happening to the young brothers and sisters in the street so he decided to take a stand. After hitting the streets and straightening out some of the wayward youth, the gangster realized that Collier was fucking with his bottom line. So, knowing he couldn't get to Collier directly, he bought the small apartment building that Pettway's widowed grandmother lives in, met Pettway in the back of a pool hall and threatened to evict his grandmother if he didn't get Collier to accompany him to the apartment building parking lot. No doubt Pettway was assured there'd be no rough stuff, just a meeting.

So then, Pettway told Collier that he had arranged a double date with a couple of stewardesses that he had met while hanging out at the pool hall, but that they wouldn't be able to get together until after their flight had gotten in and they had a chance to clean up at the apartment they shared. Just as Pettway and Collier pulled up behind the apartment, the gangster met his sister and her roommate as they were leaving to meet the men. At the same moment the gangster intercepted the women, some of the gangster's thugs popped out from behind the dumpster next to Collier's car and opened fire.

All that's left now is for Pettway to tearfully admit his forced involvement to Collier in his hospital room, promising that he didn't know there'd be violence, Collier to accept his apology, and the two men to band together to bring justice to the gangster and take back the streets.

Oh, and to make sweet love to those ladies they didn't get to meet up with that night.

FriDay in Football

NCAA
Defensive linemen Maurice Evans and Abe Koroma, a couple of Penn State's potheads, should be back in the line up Saturday. When asked for comment, Joe Paterno said, "We've made sure those youngsters steer clear of jazz cigarettes from here on out." Then he fell asleep.

USF quarterback Matt Grothe wants to make Saturday's game at NC State a "statement." In their last game, a win against Florida International, Grothe failed to throw a touchdown for just the second time in 30 starts. I'm guessing USF hangs about 42 on State. (The Wolfpack defense is good, but they're gonna be gassed after the offense three-and-outs every single possession....)

NFL
The Ravens defense is pissed about a text message from Steelers rookie running back Rashard Mendenhall to friend, and Ravens rookie running back, Ray Rice. In it, Mendenhall says he's going to have a big game against them. And...that's it. Ooooooh. I bet the Ravens d will be super pissed when they read that I think they look like dorks.

Apparently, while he's out at least three or four weeks, Packers cornerback Al Harris may not have to miss the whole season (as initially feared) with his dinged up spleen.

Regardless of what the NFL inquiry says, I say, mind your eyes in Cleveland.

"You guys are totally effing up my Facebook status."

Oh Me, Oh My, Oh-regon State

Hey, remember when I totally called that Oregon State upset yesterday? Don't bother looking, just take my word for it.

All told, it was one hell of a ballgame. Jaquizz Rogers is one shifty little fucker. (But, man, how is his name Jaquizz and his brother's James? Is James short for Jamesond'vondrae?) Normally, if I don't have any vested interested in the game, I'll pull for a close one first, and an upset second. In this instance, though, when all the Oregon State students were jumping the wall with three minutes left, I found myself pulling for USC to come back and win. Because if there's one thing I like more than an upset, it's a ton of shell-shocked dipshits with egg all over their faces.

Finally, the one thing this game gives me - besides the chance to skip reading a bunch of "what does this game mean for (insert team ranked #2 to 8)?" articles - is a four month early feeling of pity for whatever Big Ten team has to play USC in the Rose Bowl when (not if) they win the Pac 10. If last year's USC/Illinois Rose Bowl seemed like a beatdown....

So what did you do to the bed, USC?

Nice game, pretty boys. Were you looking ahead to that monster match-up against Oregon. You know, Oregon, that team that got smoked by Boise State. Or maybe it is that match-up against Ryan Leaf's alma mater, Washington State. No? Maybe it was that Oregon State is so good. Because getting run by Penn State and Stanford really makes their resume so impressive. Way to lose the National Championship in your first PAC-10 game, Trojans. You might want to think about giving that horse a topsy-tail next game.

This Picture Will Never Fail to Make Me Laugh

ThursDay in Football

NCAA
Hawaii quarterback Tyler Graunke is questionable for Saturday's game against San Jose St. due to a sore right hand. Also, I'm pretty sure "Graunke" was a character on The Herculoids.

USC is at Oregon State tonight. There's been a lot of talk about how the Trojans get fired up for big games but can lose focus for smaller games. I have a feeling a lot of that talk is aimed at getting people to watch in case there's an upset. Boy, will they be disappointed when USC wins by 48 points.

NFL
Missouri and Ohio are awful at professional football. You know what? Let's just strike that "at professional football" part.

15-year Patriot receiver (and sometime defensive back) Troy Brown retired. Brown seems like a stand up guy, so I won't make a crack at his expense. Instead: boners.

Neither Donovan McNabb nor Brian Westbrook practiced. They've missed two consecutive practices. What a couple of babies.

I crimp my horse's tail...FOR VICTORY!

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