FriDay in Football

NCAA
The West Virginia Coalmineers - well, Noel Devine, really - stuck it to Auburn last night. Call me crazy, but this is kind of how I'd expected West Virginia to play all year. Come to think of it, this is how I expected Auburn to play all year, too.

Tennessee is out for payback against Alabama. Apparently John Parker Wilson had a great day against the Vols last year, so I'd expect Tennessee to get revenge the only way they know how: losing by four touchdowns.

First Toledo beats Michigan, then they suspend Sean Willimason, a senior defensive lineman, for the remainder of the season; a co-captain no less. Over/under on the team rules having to do with weed? 'Cause, Christ, what else is there to do in Toledo?

NFL
Plaxico Burress was fined $45,000 by the League. For what? For being a dumbshit.

Speaking of weed and Ohio, former Buckeye got pulled over and admitted that he had marijuana in his car. In fairness, he was probably only holding it for Michael Irvin who was holding it for a friend.

Peyton Manning's second off-season knee surgery was either for or not for a staph infection. I'm pretty sure a bunch of USC players got staph infections over the summer. Then Kellen Winslow was hospitalized by one. Tom Brady's knee infection? I bet it's staph. Now, I'm no epidemiologist (well, an amateur at most) but I'm pretty sure this means that football teams are test groups for some sort new biological weapon. You know Planet Terror? This shit is going to turn out just like that.

Commish Roger Goodell is on the "shorter preseason, longer regular season train." Frankly, with an expiring CBA, the end of the salary cap, and a potential labor lock out, Goodell has bigger fish to fry. Plus he's gonna have to decide what sort of absurd suspension to hand out to Santonio Holmes.

Ummm...I got nothing.

ThursDay in Football

Hey, remember when I was doing this for, like, a week?

NCAA
With Oklahoma, Oklahoma State, and Tulsa in the top 25, the state is the king of college football. Okay!

Next year, Army and Navy are playing a week later. Wow. I'll be sure to mark my calendar.

Chris "Bean-O" Wells is "sore but ready" for Penn State. Not that it matters, Rochester and I have gone on the record as saying Penn State's gonna win. And when we say something on the record: That. Shit. Happens.

Apparently Syracuse is denying hiring a consulting firm in the search for Greg Robinson's successor. Which, obviously, means that it's true. But honestly, a consulting firm? Couldn't they just kind of use the dartboard approach?

NFL
Jason Taylor's back for the Redskins. He was, of course, on Dancing With the "Stars" during the off-season, so you could say that he's waltzing back into the gameplan for Washington. However, you should not write shuck, jive, or - absolutely not - shuck and jive.... But on the other hand, does racism even factor in if you're talking about someone on the Redskins?

In current Vikings player news, Adrian "Purple Jesus" Peterson is learning to be patient on the field. Apparently, it's unreasonable to expect to rush for 250 yards in every game. Who knew?

In former Vikings player news, Daunte Culpepper will work for food. And presumably hundreds of thousands of dollars.

Tom Brady had to have, like, a dozen more surgeries because of an infection in his knee. There's a lot of people that will joke that it's time for his leg to get amputated, but I bet those people will feel pretty bad if he actually has to have his leg amputated. Or if this injury ends up ending his career. But don't feel too bad for too long, spiteful internet dweebs: Tom Brady still has a ton of money, bangs supermodels, and will land a fatty studio job whenever his career is over and you'll still be doing whatever unfulfilling office job (if you're lucky; maybe you drive a forklift) that you do now.

Huh, who knew Shaggy 2 Dope still had a year of eligibilty?

Action Football! Episode 9: Avoiding the Obvious White Album Reference Edition

My Day with Cooper Carlisle

As you may have guessed, Action Football! is not really all that high on the sports media hierarchy. We have yet to get any of our sponsor to actually give us anything. It is pretty rough. So, you can only imagine how excited I was when I got an official one-on-one interview with an actual NFL player. I ran into Cooper Carlisle on his off day and asked him for an exclusive interview. He was a bit apprehensive at first, but after a little coaxing he agreed. We took a booth at a local Applebee's and the interview began:

ROCHESTER: Thanks for taking sometime to talk to me and the Action Football crew today, Mr. Carlisle.
COOPER: Dude, don't call me Mr. Carlisle. Call me, Coop.
ROCHESTER: Is that what everyone on the team calls you.
COOPER: No.
ROCHESTER: What do they call you them.
COOPER: It varies from player to player. JaMarcus calls me Coop de Ville.
ROCHESTER: That's funny.
COOPER: Yeah, then he'll say something like, "Coop de Ville, you could get laid at a place where people typically have free sex."
ROCHESTER: That's not too clever.
COOPER: Dude, he went to LSU. For him, it's like he is fucking Bill Cosby. That's why he wears those sweaters.
ROCHESTER: Yeah, I saw that.
COOPER: Then, Coach Bob Ryan calls me Shovelfuck.
ROCHESTER: What does that mean?
COOPER: I don't know and I really am kind of scared to ask. They guy has a bunch of European videos if you know what I mean.
ROCHESTER: Kinky.
COOPER: 'Über-kink' is what one of them is called. (looks around) Where the fuck are my mozzarella sticks?
ROCHESTER: They're coming. How is it working for Al Davis?
COOPER: I'll tell you. If he were here right now, then I'd have my damn mozzarella sticks.
ROCHESTER: He wields quite a bit of power?
COOPER: Yup, enough to get me a plate of fried cheese. (waitress drops off mozzarella sticks and refills soda cups) AW SHIT YEAH! Why you drinking diet soda?
ROCHESTER: I really don't need the calories.
COOPER: Then why did you order the Brewtus Steak Burger with triple bacon?
ROCHESTER: I was, um, just...well. Do you guys think you can try to salvage the season at all? Do you think you can build some momentum after that victory over the New York Jets?
COOPER: I mean, if you are really worried about losing weight why would you order a 1,500 calorie hamburger? You should've ordered a Sante Fe Chicken Salad.
ROCHESTER: That had just as many calories as that hamburger.
COOPER: Say what? Not if you substitute the sour cream and guacamole.
ROCHESTER: Then what the fuck it so 'Santa Fe' about that?
COOPER: Jeez, touchy! I was just trying to help your little fat ass out.
ROCHESTER: (angrily sips on Diet Mr. Pibb and stare off past Cooper)

That was kind of the end of the interview. We just sat there in silence for the next half hour and then we argued over who would pay the bill. He wanted to split the check, but that fucker got an appetizer and didn't even share it. Am I wrong here?

On a College Playoff

Let me start by saying I'm a yoooge fan of Every Day Should Be Saturday; at its absolute best, my writing here is a pale imitation of their least inspired posts (which are few and far between). It's a site that's required reading for lovers of college football, comedy, and college football and comedy. That being said, I take incredible exception to something I read there today: namely the fact that college football could benefit from a four-team playoff.

Any sort of playoff in college football is a Pandora's box. Sure, a four-team system might help in a situation that's described in the story (what to do with an undefeated Penn State team if both Texas and Alabama were to finish their season's - conference title game and all - undefeated), but that system would just beg the question of who would be the fourth team if, say, Utah, Boise State, and South Florida finished 11-1. Who would get left out? Or would all of them if USC or Ohio State finished 10-2? It would only take a few seasons of that before playoff advocates were clamoring for a six-team, then eight, then sixteen-team playoffs.

Admittedly, the current BCS system has its flaws. For instance, early season losses are much less detrimental than late season losses due to the influence that the Coaches poll has in the BCS calculations and a drop in said poll is much easier to make up if a one-loss team's loss is suffered in early September instead of late October. However, as has been argued before on College Football Resource, the beauty of college football is that every week matters (factoring in my last sentence, re: unweighted losses). Oregon State's upset of USC was electric, but it wouldn't have been nearly so fun if USC was still a front runner for the National Championship game (that they're still, actually, a second tier front runner might dilute this argument a bit, but, maybe consider instead Texas beating up Missouri or Oklahoma...). Very few games could be described accurately as having National Championship ramifications.

There's a reason that college football's regular season is so much more compelling than college basketball's: the lack of a tournament. While March Madness is one of the best events sports has to offer, it severely lessens the importance involved from November to February.

So while there might be scores of reasons to want Big Ten commish Jim Delaney fucked in the ear, standing against the idea of a playoff is not one of them.

Action Football! Episode 8: Internet Un-Borked Edition

This is pretty much exactly Terminator 3

I've tried uploading the new podcast three times unsuccessfully. If I know anything, it's that our listener is a rabid fanatic who will not accept late episodes, so I'm going to do my damnedest to get this sorted out before our top notch analysis is rendered obsolete.

Apologies from the brass.