ThursDay in Football

NCAA
Tommy Tuberville and his enormous ears are out at Auburn, that much doesn't come as a surprise. But apparently, his resignation shocked athletic director Jay Jacobs. Whaaaa? I figured there was a zero percent chance Tuberville wasn't pressured into a resignation. I guess it just goes to show that you shouldn't assume because it makes a dipshit out of...somebody. Or whatever.

Texas Tech coach Mike Leach and Fresno State coach Pat Hill (or, more importantly Pat Hill's mustache) removed themselves from consideration for the Washington job.

Speaking of Texas Tech, Red Raiders defensive back De'Shon Sanders was pinched by the DEA for cocaine possession with intent. Sanders is facing a minimum 10-year sentence if convicted. Or two and a half years for each tackle he recorded this season. Statistics!

NFL
Cowboys coach Wade Phillips decided to prepare for this weekend's big game against Pittsburgh by sending the team home. Welp, that's one way to do it....

The NFLPA filed a lawsuit hoping to block the suspensions of those water pillers. By which I mean the six players that took diuretics as opposed to "water pillars" which wouldn't make any sense.

Back spasms limited Marshawn Lynch's activity in Bills practice. Man, Rochester and I were really high on Buffalo at the beginning of the year, but this season's kinda gone in the shitter. Sorry, Bills.

Scared Straight!

The New York Football Giants in all their infinite wisdom have decided it might be best to suspend gun-toting moron, Plaxico Burress for the rest of the season. However, he might reinstate him if he finishes a program at a local prison aimed to get Plaxico back on the right path. Here is the transcript from SCARED STRAIGHT!:

Plaxico: Man, I ain't even need to be at this junk. All I did was bring a loaded gun into a night club, fire it into my leg, make up a faulty medical report, and then pay off a doctor. What the big dealy-o? DAMN!

Hoyt: What's the big deal? I tell you what the big deal is, maggot. You are in here now. You are in here with baby rapers and murderers and we don't give a fuck about you or your touchdowns. In here, a touchdown is something you gonna do when you turn sissy.
Plaxico: I ain't gonna turn sissy!

Adebisi: No, I gonna turn you sissy when you git in 'ere. I gonna use you whole bodee to make me feel bet-tah.
Plaxico: I ain't gonna wind up in here. I am a baller. My slick lawyers gonna get me off.
Adebisi: No, you gonna get me off when I git you in 'ere. Stand up and hold my pocket.
(Plaxico stands and grabs Adebisi's pocket)
Adebisi: You are mine now.

Schillinger: I want him. I'll give you a pack of smokes and a picture of Macaulay Culkin for him.
Adebisi: Make it one photo Macaulay Culkin and one of the sexy little thing from "The Sixth Sense".
Schillinger: Deal. Now hold on to my pocket, bitch.
(Plaxico now takes Schillinger's pocket)
Schillinger: Now you are mine. He just sold you to the Aryans. It is just that easy to sell sissies in here.
Plaxico: Damn! Now that shit is scary.
Hoyt: I don't like nothin' in the first place and I don't like you!
Plaxico: Wow, this shit is rough.

Red: Get busy livin' or get busy dying.
Plaxico: What?
Red: I mean, I'll fuck your life up more than hammered shit! You'll be sucking my junk morning, noon, and night!
Plaxico: Oh right! Damn that seems pretty scary, too. Maybe I better turn my life around.

Sirius: You know the man you truly are, Plaxico! This heart is where you truly live! This heart! Here! This flesh is only flesh!
(Convicts all turn around with look of disgust)
Sirius: What? Have you seen, Harry?
Plaxico: Fuck this shit! I am out. Maybe I'll go to the bank and show them how fast a speeding bullet really is. Antonio better be in the car waiting for me.
(Plaxico leaves)
Hoyt: Really, dude? Come on, Sirius. We had him.
Schillinger: Yeah, I am gonna rape the magic wand out of you tonight, Sirius.
Adebisi: That goes double for me.

WednesDay in Football

NCAA
The powers that be at Notre Dame have decided to wait until the middle of next season to fire Charlie Weis. That's right, everybody's favorite insufferably arrogant fat man is back for 2009!

Tim Tebow, Sam Bradford, Colt McCoy, Graham Harrell, and Michael Crabtree are finalists for the Walter Camp Football Foundation's Player of the Year award. Reading over Camp's contributions to the game ("...known as 'The Father of American Football,' ...[t]he former Yale athlete and football coach is also credited with developing play from scrimmage, set plays and the limit of 11 players per side") kind of makes you wonder how it was played before....

I hope Georgia Tech fans weren't looking forward to a trip to the Yellow Jackets' bowl game, because they accepted an invitation to the Chick-fil-A Bowl at the Georgia Dome. Which is, like, two miles from their home field.

NFL
The Seahawks put center Chris Spencer on injured reserve. And guard Mike Wahle might end up on IR, too. Wahle would bring the Seahawks IR list to twelve which sounds like a lot, but apparently isn't.

The NFL is going to show Thursday's Oakland/San Diego game in 3-D to a bunch of muckety-mucks. With the way the Raiders and Chargers have been playing, the attendees are lucky the games not being broadcast in Smell-O-Vision, am I right, folks? I'll be here all week.

Pacman is back, man. The NFL's Dennis the Menace (with, you know, getting strip club bouncers paralyzed as his "annoying Mr. Wilson" schtick) is back on Dallas's 53-man roster.

Thanks, but no thanks.

Ray Rhodes (October 20, 1950 to ???)

Current assistant defensive backs coach for the Houston Texans and (probably) not dead.

My apologies to Ray and the Rhodes family (which, not for nothing, is a pretty great band name) who I'm sure are avid AF! listeners.

Action Football! Episode 14

TuesDay in Football

NCAA
After a successful hip replacement, Joe Paterno is back and held a squad meeting. The topic of the meeting was that strained peaches are better than strained nectarines. Paterno fell asleep halfway through the meeting. Because he's very old, you see.

A sprained ankle is keeping Florida's Percy Harvin listed as "questionable" for Saturday's SEC Championship game. Coach Urban Meyer had this to say: "The great news in the training room today, it's very positive, very positive, a lot of thumbs up, including from the player, a big thumbs up, a smile on his face." The mental image of everybody - assistant coaches, trainers, graduate assistants, secrataries - giving Urban Meyer "thumbs up" all the time is really hilarious to me.

Texas Tech quarterback Graham Harrell had 17 pins and two plates inserted in his (non-throwing) hand during a four hour surgery. To repair nine fractures in two fingers. Yeesh.

NFL
Vikings Kevin Williams and Pat Williams (yes, they're married), Texan Bryan Pittman (who?), and Saints Duece McAllister, Charles Grant, and Will Smith (gettin' jiggy with...the bench) were all suspended for taking banned diuretics. Diuretics are sometimes called "water pills." Apparently, none of these players were told that water is available in liquid form.

The NFL is unwilling to admit that playing regular season games in London is a terrible idea. So, congratulations Tampa Bay Buccaneers! You've been dicked out of a home game!

Certified genius and world-class marksman Plaxico Burress was fined and suspended for the remainder of the season by the New York Giants.

Hittin' the studio.

Unlikely to get paid in full.

Well, we're meeting up at Action Football! Studios East this evening to get the fourteenth episode down on wax (or, I guess whatever a minidisc is made out of).

While you can expect our regular topics (BCS recap, precap, and two weeks worth of the Quad Fours), we'll likely be touching on the extreme lack of racial diversity in the ranks of college football head coaches.

In general site news, I really think I've gotta get back to the "----Day in Football" posts 'cause otherwise there's depressingly little content around here (*coughrochestercough*). And it's not like I don't have time.... Extremely disappointing seasons by the Badgers and Packers have resulted in updates few and far between over at Load the Wagon.

So you've got my word now: at least one post per day from now until the birth of our Lord and Savior, Santa Claus.