A Personal Welcome to One of Our Newest Readers

Here's to you, person in Singapore that did a Google blog search for "naked guys".

In Technology News

The Action Football! Podcast is now in the actual iTunes store. So if you want to subscribe to it (or turn a friend on to it), instead of having to open iTunes, go to Advanced, select "Subscribe to podcast"... you can just go to the iTunes store and do a podcast search for virtually any combination of: "Rochester" "Randolph" "Action" "Football" and let the robots do your work for you!

ThursDay in Football

Buddy Randolph: on the mend! I'm sitting at about 75% right now, so next week's show should be on track.

NCAA
Apparently Cincinnati's getting 4 (four) quarterbacks ready for the upcoming game against South Florida. (And by upcoming, I mean to-fucking-night.) Anyway, I'm generally suspicious of running quarterback-by-committee with two quarterbacks let alone four. If there's any justice, they will run a different quarterback for each down of each series. It's so crazy, it just might work!

It's a felony to break into a dorm room? Too bad for you, Virginia fullback RaShawn Jackson. (And mind your weekends, Rochester.)

Without a game this week, Joe Paterno may have surgery. I didn't actually read this story, but I'm guessing the surgery is for his knee or hip or whatever leg injury's got him stuck in the press box. But I'd like to believe that the surgery is gender reassignment. Something about JoePa has always seemed grandmotherly to me, and I'd like to see that become a reality.

NFL
Michael Vick is going to have to plead guilty in person. Yeah, yeah, yeah, whatever.... The prosecutor's name is GERALD POINDEXTER! Seriously? Is Vick's attourney named Sherman Dastardly? It's like a trial from an Archie comic book.

You know things are going good in Detroit when they had to e-mail Daunte Culpepper's agent, Daunte Culpepper, to see about giving Culpepper a workout.

Economic crisis? Seemingly endless war? Fuck that shit, the Senate wants more football on tv!

"So you show up, fill out some paperwork, let the AD know when you're gonna pop, do your business, and pick up your fifty bucks."

"But isn't it weird being around, like, forty other half naked guys?"

"Yeah, the first couple times, I guess. But you get used to it. Plus craft services let's you take home food if you want."

"Uh, yeah, no thanks...."

Our Podcast is Sick!

I mean that literally. I am almost 30 years old for Fred Savage's sake, why would I use the term sick to mean something good. The only 30 year olds who use sick to mean something good are those dochebags who still skateboard. Why aren't those dudes on a sexual predator watch list? I mean, I can't walk past St. Mary's during a field hockey game without getting one of these uppity mothers throwing their Volvo keys at my ass, but these guys can gleam the cube with a bunch of teen-aged boys? Where are you on this one, Chris Hansen? Oh and I love it when these guys show up at there jobs with twisted ankles and broken hips. Have fun explaining that one to your VP of development, fuckshovel.

Anywho, Buddy Randolph got a case of the sniffles and decided to squash this week's podcast. I wouldn't hear of it. So, I went ahead and talked about the NFL for an hour all by me-self. There was no recording equipment, so no one would hear it. No one hearing our podcast is pretty much standard, so no biggie-shortie. We'll be back next week. Take you vitamins and Happy Halloween, people. FOR TRUE!

FriDay in Football

NCAA
The West Virginia Coalmineers - well, Noel Devine, really - stuck it to Auburn last night. Call me crazy, but this is kind of how I'd expected West Virginia to play all year. Come to think of it, this is how I expected Auburn to play all year, too.

Tennessee is out for payback against Alabama. Apparently John Parker Wilson had a great day against the Vols last year, so I'd expect Tennessee to get revenge the only way they know how: losing by four touchdowns.

First Toledo beats Michigan, then they suspend Sean Willimason, a senior defensive lineman, for the remainder of the season; a co-captain no less. Over/under on the team rules having to do with weed? 'Cause, Christ, what else is there to do in Toledo?

NFL
Plaxico Burress was fined $45,000 by the League. For what? For being a dumbshit.

Speaking of weed and Ohio, former Buckeye got pulled over and admitted that he had marijuana in his car. In fairness, he was probably only holding it for Michael Irvin who was holding it for a friend.

Peyton Manning's second off-season knee surgery was either for or not for a staph infection. I'm pretty sure a bunch of USC players got staph infections over the summer. Then Kellen Winslow was hospitalized by one. Tom Brady's knee infection? I bet it's staph. Now, I'm no epidemiologist (well, an amateur at most) but I'm pretty sure this means that football teams are test groups for some sort new biological weapon. You know Planet Terror? This shit is going to turn out just like that.

Commish Roger Goodell is on the "shorter preseason, longer regular season train." Frankly, with an expiring CBA, the end of the salary cap, and a potential labor lock out, Goodell has bigger fish to fry. Plus he's gonna have to decide what sort of absurd suspension to hand out to Santonio Holmes.

Ummm...I got nothing.

ThursDay in Football

Hey, remember when I was doing this for, like, a week?

NCAA
With Oklahoma, Oklahoma State, and Tulsa in the top 25, the state is the king of college football. Okay!

Next year, Army and Navy are playing a week later. Wow. I'll be sure to mark my calendar.

Chris "Bean-O" Wells is "sore but ready" for Penn State. Not that it matters, Rochester and I have gone on the record as saying Penn State's gonna win. And when we say something on the record: That. Shit. Happens.

Apparently Syracuse is denying hiring a consulting firm in the search for Greg Robinson's successor. Which, obviously, means that it's true. But honestly, a consulting firm? Couldn't they just kind of use the dartboard approach?

NFL
Jason Taylor's back for the Redskins. He was, of course, on Dancing With the "Stars" during the off-season, so you could say that he's waltzing back into the gameplan for Washington. However, you should not write shuck, jive, or - absolutely not - shuck and jive.... But on the other hand, does racism even factor in if you're talking about someone on the Redskins?

In current Vikings player news, Adrian "Purple Jesus" Peterson is learning to be patient on the field. Apparently, it's unreasonable to expect to rush for 250 yards in every game. Who knew?

In former Vikings player news, Daunte Culpepper will work for food. And presumably hundreds of thousands of dollars.

Tom Brady had to have, like, a dozen more surgeries because of an infection in his knee. There's a lot of people that will joke that it's time for his leg to get amputated, but I bet those people will feel pretty bad if he actually has to have his leg amputated. Or if this injury ends up ending his career. But don't feel too bad for too long, spiteful internet dweebs: Tom Brady still has a ton of money, bangs supermodels, and will land a fatty studio job whenever his career is over and you'll still be doing whatever unfulfilling office job (if you're lucky; maybe you drive a forklift) that you do now.

Huh, who knew Shaggy 2 Dope still had a year of eligibilty?

Action Football! Episode 9: Avoiding the Obvious White Album Reference Edition

My Day with Cooper Carlisle

As you may have guessed, Action Football! is not really all that high on the sports media hierarchy. We have yet to get any of our sponsor to actually give us anything. It is pretty rough. So, you can only imagine how excited I was when I got an official one-on-one interview with an actual NFL player. I ran into Cooper Carlisle on his off day and asked him for an exclusive interview. He was a bit apprehensive at first, but after a little coaxing he agreed. We took a booth at a local Applebee's and the interview began:

ROCHESTER: Thanks for taking sometime to talk to me and the Action Football crew today, Mr. Carlisle.
COOPER: Dude, don't call me Mr. Carlisle. Call me, Coop.
ROCHESTER: Is that what everyone on the team calls you.
COOPER: No.
ROCHESTER: What do they call you them.
COOPER: It varies from player to player. JaMarcus calls me Coop de Ville.
ROCHESTER: That's funny.
COOPER: Yeah, then he'll say something like, "Coop de Ville, you could get laid at a place where people typically have free sex."
ROCHESTER: That's not too clever.
COOPER: Dude, he went to LSU. For him, it's like he is fucking Bill Cosby. That's why he wears those sweaters.
ROCHESTER: Yeah, I saw that.
COOPER: Then, Coach Bob Ryan calls me Shovelfuck.
ROCHESTER: What does that mean?
COOPER: I don't know and I really am kind of scared to ask. They guy has a bunch of European videos if you know what I mean.
ROCHESTER: Kinky.
COOPER: 'Über-kink' is what one of them is called. (looks around) Where the fuck are my mozzarella sticks?
ROCHESTER: They're coming. How is it working for Al Davis?
COOPER: I'll tell you. If he were here right now, then I'd have my damn mozzarella sticks.
ROCHESTER: He wields quite a bit of power?
COOPER: Yup, enough to get me a plate of fried cheese. (waitress drops off mozzarella sticks and refills soda cups) AW SHIT YEAH! Why you drinking diet soda?
ROCHESTER: I really don't need the calories.
COOPER: Then why did you order the Brewtus Steak Burger with triple bacon?
ROCHESTER: I was, um, just...well. Do you guys think you can try to salvage the season at all? Do you think you can build some momentum after that victory over the New York Jets?
COOPER: I mean, if you are really worried about losing weight why would you order a 1,500 calorie hamburger? You should've ordered a Sante Fe Chicken Salad.
ROCHESTER: That had just as many calories as that hamburger.
COOPER: Say what? Not if you substitute the sour cream and guacamole.
ROCHESTER: Then what the fuck it so 'Santa Fe' about that?
COOPER: Jeez, touchy! I was just trying to help your little fat ass out.
ROCHESTER: (angrily sips on Diet Mr. Pibb and stare off past Cooper)

That was kind of the end of the interview. We just sat there in silence for the next half hour and then we argued over who would pay the bill. He wanted to split the check, but that fucker got an appetizer and didn't even share it. Am I wrong here?

On a College Playoff

Let me start by saying I'm a yoooge fan of Every Day Should Be Saturday; at its absolute best, my writing here is a pale imitation of their least inspired posts (which are few and far between). It's a site that's required reading for lovers of college football, comedy, and college football and comedy. That being said, I take incredible exception to something I read there today: namely the fact that college football could benefit from a four-team playoff.

Any sort of playoff in college football is a Pandora's box. Sure, a four-team system might help in a situation that's described in the story (what to do with an undefeated Penn State team if both Texas and Alabama were to finish their season's - conference title game and all - undefeated), but that system would just beg the question of who would be the fourth team if, say, Utah, Boise State, and South Florida finished 11-1. Who would get left out? Or would all of them if USC or Ohio State finished 10-2? It would only take a few seasons of that before playoff advocates were clamoring for a six-team, then eight, then sixteen-team playoffs.

Admittedly, the current BCS system has its flaws. For instance, early season losses are much less detrimental than late season losses due to the influence that the Coaches poll has in the BCS calculations and a drop in said poll is much easier to make up if a one-loss team's loss is suffered in early September instead of late October. However, as has been argued before on College Football Resource, the beauty of college football is that every week matters (factoring in my last sentence, re: unweighted losses). Oregon State's upset of USC was electric, but it wouldn't have been nearly so fun if USC was still a front runner for the National Championship game (that they're still, actually, a second tier front runner might dilute this argument a bit, but, maybe consider instead Texas beating up Missouri or Oklahoma...). Very few games could be described accurately as having National Championship ramifications.

There's a reason that college football's regular season is so much more compelling than college basketball's: the lack of a tournament. While March Madness is one of the best events sports has to offer, it severely lessens the importance involved from November to February.

So while there might be scores of reasons to want Big Ten commish Jim Delaney fucked in the ear, standing against the idea of a playoff is not one of them.

Action Football! Episode 8: Internet Un-Borked Edition

This is pretty much exactly Terminator 3

I've tried uploading the new podcast three times unsuccessfully. If I know anything, it's that our listener is a rabid fanatic who will not accept late episodes, so I'm going to do my damnedest to get this sorted out before our top notch analysis is rendered obsolete.

Apologies from the brass.

Buddy Randolph: Text-is Ranger

Last week before the Oklahoma-Texas game ESPN had a piece on about Colt McCoy and some dude who did something. It was really long and really boring and had nothing to do with football. Howevs, it did have a video of Colt hawt-ass momma. I text-ed Buddy down in Athens:

• "Colt McCoy's mom is hot."


• His response: "So you might say that Colt's mom is quite a filly?"

ZING!

Motherfuck Michigan big time.

It pains me to follow up the levity and all around genius of the last post with one about an asshole Michigan football player hospitalizing a hockey player, but so it goes.

Seriously, look at the picture of that guy. What a date raping dickbird. I can say, without reservation, that Mike Milano is a gigantic tool that deserves nothing less than becoming a fat, depressed, alcoholic, divorced used car salesman.

To reiterate (in case I haven't been plain enough): Mike Milano can choke on a hundred donkey dicks.

It's...beautiful.

Not for nothing, I'm pretty sure I've found the greatest thing ever written on the internet. It's kind of about football, so...marvel at the magnificence.

That's a lot of extra points.

This is a Google Image Search return for "disaster" I can get behind.

By now the story of the Naples High (Fla.) drubbing of Estero High (also Fla.) 91-0 is all over the internet. A few years ago, I remember reading a story about a high school coach that kept handing the ball to his running back in a critical beatdown (the final score was something similar to the Naples/Estero game) because the kid was on the cusp of setting a state record for rushing yards in a game. This coach went so far as to tell his special teams to down punt returns to maximize the yardage that the kid could rush for on each possession. I was pissed at the time, and now that I think back on it, I'm still pissed; the actions of the coach fly in the face of sportsmanship and essentially counteract everything that participation in sports are supposed to instill in kids that play them. By all accounts, this current story is nothing like the old one.

Any time there's a lopsided score, there are going to be fans and sportswriters, local and national, that accuse a coach of running up the score. In this case, it sounds like Naples coach Bill Kramer did everything he could short of encouraging his team to just fall down to keep from piling on. Most of his best players sat for much of (or all of, in cases) the game. Granted, when you're up by 70 at halftime, you'd better not call passing plays, but if you're playing back ups, it's not fair to them to ask them to take a knee. If those back ups happen to break into the open field, they should be able to run for a touchdown and not feel bad about it.

So it is written, and so it shall be.

Action Football! Episode 7

Have at it.

So Much for Regular Updates

Obviously since the last new post is last week's podcast announcement, things have been a little slow around the Action Football! offices.

In fact, the next new post will probably be this week's podcast announcement. Yikes.

Anyway, it's been linked to from different football blogs lately, but here it is again: Connecticut defensive tackle Rob Lunn's Thoughts from a Fat White Guy. He's like the Chris Cooley of football blogging.

Action Football! Episode 6

Click for the stream, or use the RSS (http://www.gcast.com/u/dw3000/main.xml) to subscribe via iTunes.

WednesDay in Football

I'm not even going to bother with college ball today. The big news in football is that the Raiders shit-canned Lane Kiffin. This isn't news because it answers the "if" but because it finally put the "when" to rest.

As has been reported to death, the manner in which Al Davis told the media about Kiffin's firing and incompetence was bizarre, hilarious, and by most reasonable measures, excessive. Davis read aloud a three page letter that had been FedExed to Kiffin outlining the myriad ways he failed as Raiders head coach. Additionally, a transparency of the letter was shown with an overhead projector so, I guess, the assembled media could read along. Essentially, the piling on was to show that Kiffin was fired for cause and Davis would be justified in not paying him what was left on his contract.

Some of the points that were cut from the letter after the draft stage were:

• Kiffin insisted on buying his own car instead of driving the Raiders company car: a silver 1974 Cadillac El Dorado with black leather interior and a horn that plays "Guantanamera".
• Kiffin refused to call 40 yard fly patterns for all receivers on every other first down in the first and fourth quarters and every third down in the second and third quarters.
• Kiffin insisted on wearing "shortpants" during training camp.
• Kiffin refused to encourage his offensive linemen to wear brass knuckles under gloves and/or tape.
• Kiffin refused to bring Davis his daily paper (an Oakland Tribune from 1975) and breakfast (half of a bran muffin soaked in a luke warm combination of buttermilk and tap water).

So, as you can see, Davis plainly had no option but to fire Kiffin.

They both growl a lot, scare small children, and are likely to pee on the carpet.